The truth is, for a long time I have been questioning how much I was in love with E and how much it actually meant. Because I know that all it was based on, originally, was a physical attraction and I still don't really know him well, so it seemes perhaps a bit of a lie to call it love. But, whatever it was, a huge part of the reason I've clung on to for such a long time was really just stubbornness. I'm still not really willing to admit I've been a fool all this time. I sometimes wonder if perhaps all i wanted was to prove to myself was that I could love, because sometimes I just feel so emotionally devoid, and the feeling of being in love, even if it's futile and hopeless can be a real comfort sometimes. Sometimes I even like the pain of it. And I think really it is about time I just admitted I don't really love E. But I can't you see, until he at least aknowledges me. which is why I had J and S promise that they would, if I never managed to do it, confront him for me. I know that really it's silly, but I really want him to understand and I'm too much of a coward to speak to him.

Of course, part of the reason I feel ready to give up on E is because I'm falling in love with J. I feel a lot better about loving him because, for one thing, he doesn't mind. I'm not sure I even need my love to be reciprocated. I didn't with E. I just enjoyed the feeling. And with J, I rather like being in love with him even though it doesn't change anything. Because it doesn't change anything. I get to keep him as my best friend still.

Words that make me hug my knees: "i just want to say how nice you are, and in the short time i've known you, i have felt more of a connection with you than people i have known since year 7, so you will be sorely missed". Said by S (formerly known as L and once, accidentally, as J)

J says "i never lied to you. whenever you asked about [P], or whatever you asked, i never lied to you". I feel silly now, but a little reluctant to let go of being offended, because I'm a stubborn fool. He says he doesn't remember when he asked, and I'm resisting the urge to trawl through my chat logs to find the relevant conversation because I don't want to seem obsessive, and I know it isn't really that important.

I often get things wrong. J told me yesterday that it was birmingham pride this weekend, and that he thought he might go in today. i considered, in my sleeplessness last night, going in myself, weighing up the pros and cons (pros: ive never been before, id like to know what its like, possibility of seeing people i know, cons: i feel like an idiot in large (or small) groups of people i dont know, i wasnt entirely sure how to get there), before finally being convinced by the fact that i always feel an idiot when i miss things, and by the song "La Parade" ("i wish i was in the parade") by, once again, Yann Tiersen.

Si, in i went. eventually i found the place (it got easier as i got closer to identify the right direction by the mannish women and womanish men. not that im stereotyping, but most stereotypes have to have some basis) and it really should not have taken me that long to find it. when i arived, at abou eleven or twelve, i think, it was almost empty. so i left, went for a wander round borders and came back. there was still a lack of people i could talk to so after walking round again for a while i left, this time for waterstones. i was very pleased to discover they were playing the soundtrack to amelie (by, thats right, Yann Tiersen) so i stayed in there for a while, then went back for a third and final time tosee if anyone i knew had turned up. they hadnt, and id obviously come far too early, but i was now thoroughly bored, so i went home, reminded again of how i will die alone.

im actually pretty sad this weekend. i have come tantalisingly close to tears a couple of times, but i still cant really get past having just moist eyes. its pathetic really.

i had thought J liked P, and i did once ask him, but he lied. that upsets me a little. ive kept things from him, but only other peoples secrets, not my own, and i dont think ive ever lied to him. i never ever mean as much to people as they do to me, do i. but perhaps i am being a little unfair. its not as if im a great frined that everyone would want. im selfish, manipulative (in a pathetic way- i doubt i actually mange it) and whiny. i talk about myself constantly. i dont mean here, im allowed to here, but in real life (a phrase which here means in conversations over the internet). theres actually a part of me that thinks my constant self deprecation endearing. everything i do is just for attention. thats why i have scars on my hands and arms. mainly the left. i scratch the skin off with my fingernails. its a while since i last did i though. the night i emailed E. or thereabouts.

Showing someone your blog can often lead to pain. after id told him i loved him, J asked when hed get to see my blog, as id said id someday like him to see it. i decided that with a little editing it could be ok to show him, so i went through, deleted all (or so i thought) references to his place in P's affections, and gave him the address. i hadnt, it seems, deleted all of them. not long after, he asked who P was. when i asked what P was doing, he said "being in love with me". i screwed that up, then. and now it turns out hed liked P at roughly the same time. he was annoyed to have missed out, referring to him as "the one that got away". and now im reminded once again of my position as least loved, least experienced member of the Ace Crew. Nobody ever wants me as anything but a friend.

I told J i love him tonight. proof that not everyone reacts badly to this sort of thing. id wanted to tell him for a couple of days, but in my usual cowardly style, ive waited until half term, with ages now until i see him again in real life. i have just realised i did make a little mistake in missing the word 'not' out from quite an important sentence, but it seems he understood anyway. i should make it clear, i realise, that all this, as with all my conversations that mean much, took place on the internet.

i said it the same way i normally tend to do this sort of thing and, after an initial "theres something i should tell you" just blurted out "i think im a little bit in love with you"...
Me:sorry
J:why are you sorry?
Me:im an apologetic person. it filled the silence. i dont know
J:im incredibly flattered, if not a little shocked
Me:im [not] entirely sure i am. its just sometimes id really like to hug you in real life and even, um... kiss you, maybe
Me:not that im actually asking you to. i realise it would be... not right
J:i don't see what would be overly wrong with it, but i know where you're coming from
Me:but that isnt why i asked you to the theatre or anything. i promise i wasnt thinking anything like that
J:alix, i know that
Me:it would be wrong because youre my best friend and i want you to be my best friend, not someone who rejects me
J:i always have a brilliant time with you.
J:when did you start to...think this then?
Me:just one time when i couldnt get to sleep. not more than a month ago, i think
J:when you say you're a little bit in love, does that mean you're in love sometimes or that you're in a sort of weak love?
Me:the latter, i think. sometimes i think maybe its just close friendness. im not really sure
J:i've never had a friend as good as you, so iv kind of got weird...love feelings, but i haven't named them

warm feelings ensue after statements like that. although obviously were still chasing our respective stalkees, we have agreed that if neither of us has been kissed by the time were twenty, we will kiss each other. not that i expect he wont have been kissed by then, but im pretty sure i wont have. and if i have, i may have to lie, depending on how much i enjoy it

Todays oral didnt go quite so well, i fear. didnt see E either. i dont think the oral went badly enough to lose me the marks i need (frankly im not even willing to consider the possibility) to get into my first choice university (which remains nameless) though.

Oh dear god, i cant believe i forgot this! i came out to my sister (R) last weekend! we stayed at my grandmas house up in yorkshire and the two of us were sharing a room. we were talking and she asked me (apparently she had never before thought this to be true, which i do find quite hard to believe. there was an edge to her voice as she asked) "why did you go to an all boys school, are you gay or something?" a remarkably dim question, really, but it gave me the opportunity id been waiting for ti say "yes i am". she yelled (well, it felt like that) out "are you really gay?" about five times, even when someone was in the bathroom, the room next door. i think she probably wasnt heard though, in the end. that or its just too uncomfortable a subject for the unwitting eavesdropper to broach. but noone seemed any diifferent the next day.

so there we go. R knows. we havent spoken about it since

Alors, ive done one oral exam, the others postponed until tomorrow.that means ill have come in two days, for exams adding up to half an hour (excluding preparation time). i think i did alright, but that was not the main worry of today. as ive said, E was there. at one point i nearly gathered the courage to speak to him. i was with the Ace Crew in my special place (which has now become our special place (ah, how generrous of me to bequeath them my favourite place in the school as i leave)) and he walked past. i got as far as opening the door to run after him, but in the end i couldnt. I just froze. and felt like i did the night i first saw a message from him. hot and cold and terrible. and it seems likely ill see him again tomorrow. worst of all is the feeling that everyones getting rather bored of this now. i dont mean to whine constantly, i just do

Im in school today, my first time blogging on the school computers (the first time ive realised how i actually can. im not gifted, technologically) waiting for my french oral (oh dear. i am actually giggling at that) listening to some of the most beautiful music (rue des cascades, by yann tiersen (the man who wrote the amelie music (which, incidentally i also have (too many brackets. i think im trying to put off saying something (well yes, because i am in rather a public place, where pretty much anyone could look over what im writing. loud music in both ears doesnt exactly improve my awareness of whats going on around me. with a certain E sitting in the next room, practising for his french oral (if only)))))). So, yes, E is here (a phrase which here means that i feel awfully like im about to soil myself (sorry, love saying that. for those of you who are not familiar with the expression "a phrase which here means..."(half, i believe, of my readership (haha- 'readership')) it comes from the "an unfortunate series of events" books by lemony snicket. really rather good)) (incidentally, the spell check on this thing doesnt recognise 'to blog' as a word. somewhat ironic i cant help thinking), very close, and i really should pick up my courage with both wings and go speak to him. unfortunately, i can be pretty certain i will not, because i am a coward and an idiot. obviously i will have to resort to my normal attention seeking techniques (incidentally (i happen to rather like this word), he SO knows). right now i havent got anyone to shriek at, though, so looks like its the flailing limbs for me.

i do like coming back into school. its so good to see the Ace Crew again. although i seem to be gradually reducing my mental definition of the Ace Crew. i no longer see F as a member, nor all those people who have been honorary members despite not actually meeting the, er, criteria.

ill leave this for the moment. its ten past ten, not whatever time blogspot says this was posted at. it may be useful, but beware: it lies

Oops. just been looking back through this thing and i started four posts in a row with the word well. that is quite, quite bad. also, this thing is riddled with mistaked, but i quite like them. gives it character (a phrase which here means i cant be bothered to go back errors of spelling or nomenclature, but that L in my post of the tenth of may, is actually J)

Incidentally, im worried i might be falling a little bit in love with my best friend. i dont want to do unspeakable things or anything, just kiss him. i dont know what to make of it

I need to sort this thing out. at the moment there are two people referred to as L and one of them got confused with J at one point. the whole initials thing is ridiculous. they were middle initials. still, shouldnt be too difficult to put right; one of the Ls has three middle names. or perhaps four. i am giving up on pointless orthography in my blog. the only punctuation that really matters are full stops, commas and colons. ok, dashes and hyphens too . but apostrophes and capital letters are rarely necessary.

hmmm... saw E on tuesday. he knows. he so knows. i was in a place i like to be, where if anyone walks throuhg youre quite obvious, and he saw me through the window on his way. i saw him too. he knows. he walked through, speeding up as he went, and i just looked away and drew in my legs. and id meant to confront him that day, having realised the whole email thing hadnt worked and never would. incidentally, i also realised that the advice given by one L (the original. a girl) would in fact have worked much better. i feel quite guilty now for ignoring her. not just because it didnt work.

theres a reason i havent blogged in a while. nothing happens in my grey slush of a life. but something thats made me happy recently is that two of my best friends are now going out. i am happy but jealous at the same time. apart from now when my mood is back at grey. but one of them is very nervous and unsure about the whole thing, of the others (i cant even identify them with their initials, sorry) feelings, etc

-oh dear. just talking to someone, and my knew hypothesis of me is that i actually wouldnt work in a relationship. im too selfish, id always feel guilty. im not sure i could give myself up and be free. actually, have a look

Him:i'd like to see you getting yourself a bf. i think you should try for someone other than the one you have been pursuing.
Me:i havent been pursuing him to be my boyfriend. i reall havent. i dont know if i could find a boyfriend. im very selfish, id always feel guilty.
Him:perhaps you should have someone just for sex?
Me:well thats lovely. i hardly think theres anything about me thats going to attract someone for just sex. depressing as this is, my personalitys probably my best feature
...
Me:id miss the self indulgence of lonliness

I will die alone

I really, really am not happy today. I'm having another of those moods where I'm completely convinced I'm worthless and pointless and unloved. And I can't talk properly to anyone anymore. Even my best friend annoys me (although that's irrelevant as he's gone offline).

My moods are a bit swingy right now. I can get really happy, but then I always come back to being really depressed. I was very happy on Saturday night, because a while ago I joined the scissor sisters forum, and I'd posted on there on Friday and told one of the nice people about everything. And then she was really nice and set up a thread to get people to give me hugs, and carried on being incredibly lovely for ages. And also on Saturday, someone else from the forum added me to their msn contacts and, after a couple of hours of being shocked by my completely virgin status ("you've never been kissed?!?") finally came to the conclusion that he'd like to kiss me, just to see what it was like. He said I'm cute even though I'm nerdy. I was very flattered. But that did'nt last.

On Sunday I started off in not too bad a mood, but it got worse. I had been supposed to be going out with my friends, but then I'd declined, because of general depression. But now I was happy, I felt able to go. Only they'd called it off. Felt kinda guilty about that. So nothing happened. Later, the best friend, L, added E to his MSN contacts. Actually, that might have been Saturday. Yes, I think it was, because on Sunday he discovered E had allowed him as a contact, but was not online. Current thinking holds, though, that E added him then blocked him. Grrr.

So this morning my terrible mood from last night had stayed, and remained for a while at school. It lifted, though, when I saw E. Back in school. That was nice. No idea why he was there, but I did my usual half stalking half trying to be seen by him thing. I'm so pathetic. Well, I'm getting bored and tired. Bye for now

Well, I see now how stupid I was to try speak to him. And how stupid I still am, because I'm not going to give up. I just can't. I'm going to give it a while, though. Maybe a week. But I can't just abandon this after two and a half years. This hurts too much to leave alone.

Well, I sent it and he wrote back: "Piss take." Understandable, I suppose. But upsetting. I wrote back, and this time got "stop bugging me". I can't. I'm carrying on. I may have to tell him who I am to convince him. I don't know

Well, I've done it. Not the way I was advised to (think of a question to justify speaking to him) because I couldn't think of a question that didn't make me sound a complete idiot. So I've sent him an e-mail. I drafted it last night, then typed it up and sent it when I got back from school (which was before he'll even have finished). I have no idea what to expect, but I've decided if I don't hear anything from him in the next couple of days I'll add him to my MSN account aswell. I've other stuff to talk about too, but that's not so important right now.

Well, here I am. The play (Play Without Words) was absolutely brilliant. I can't really think of any good way to descibe and do justice to it, but it really was magnificent. And it was a lot of fun going with J and it seems I am no longer the evil pqaedophile you shouldn't trust your youngest son with. Which is good. Saying that, one of my best friends, one P, is in love with J and the idea that he may be a paedophile is really upsetting him. And I know another person, in J's year, who is in love with P. He's L, the newest addition to our ranks, a bisexual, but a good chap all the same(seriously, I just can't explain what I have against bisexuals. Although, thinking about it, it may only be some. It just seems that a considerable portion of the bisexuals are some of the worst homophobic wankers who've hated me (and I have hated in return) for almost seven years, and it just doesn't seem fair). He is now one of my best friends. He's absolutely hilarious. He's also extremely camp and flirtatious and teased endlessly for it (evil straight boys (you see, the reasons to forgo their company just keep piling up)). Though saying that, he does have a tendency to encourage him a little. But it is in no way his fault. And anyway, I was discussing the fact that he is in love with P. So, yes, he is in love with P, J is in love with... some straight person (much like my obsession with E), and- its just tangled, I can't be bothered. I, of course love them all (well, not J's straight boy) and can do nothing to help.

But, back to me and my own obsessions, I have decided, finally, to contact E. Next Friday his year go on study leave, a week before us, and I will no longer be able to bump into him at school and catch fleeting glances during room changes. And I will no longer be in range of any... bad reactions to the news. Yes, it is despicable and cowardly, and I hate treating him with so little respect and trust, but it's all I can manage.

Perhaps it's also worth pointing out that I have now finished my first A2 exam, a fifteen hour art exam. Woo. I think I might manage a C, just about, but no better.