I told J i love him tonight. proof that not everyone reacts badly to this sort of thing. id wanted to tell him for a couple of days, but in my usual cowardly style, ive waited until half term, with ages now until i see him again in real life. i have just realised i did make a little mistake in missing the word 'not' out from quite an important sentence, but it seems he understood anyway. i should make it clear, i realise, that all this, as with all my conversations that mean much, took place on the internet.

i said it the same way i normally tend to do this sort of thing and, after an initial "theres something i should tell you" just blurted out "i think im a little bit in love with you"...
Me:sorry
J:why are you sorry?
Me:im an apologetic person. it filled the silence. i dont know
J:im incredibly flattered, if not a little shocked
Me:im [not] entirely sure i am. its just sometimes id really like to hug you in real life and even, um... kiss you, maybe
Me:not that im actually asking you to. i realise it would be... not right
J:i don't see what would be overly wrong with it, but i know where you're coming from
Me:but that isnt why i asked you to the theatre or anything. i promise i wasnt thinking anything like that
J:alix, i know that
Me:it would be wrong because youre my best friend and i want you to be my best friend, not someone who rejects me
J:i always have a brilliant time with you.
J:when did you start to...think this then?
Me:just one time when i couldnt get to sleep. not more than a month ago, i think
J:when you say you're a little bit in love, does that mean you're in love sometimes or that you're in a sort of weak love?
Me:the latter, i think. sometimes i think maybe its just close friendness. im not really sure
J:i've never had a friend as good as you, so iv kind of got weird...love feelings, but i haven't named them

warm feelings ensue after statements like that. although obviously were still chasing our respective stalkees, we have agreed that if neither of us has been kissed by the time were twenty, we will kiss each other. not that i expect he wont have been kissed by then, but im pretty sure i wont have. and if i have, i may have to lie, depending on how much i enjoy it