I need to sort this thing out. at the moment there are two people referred to as L and one of them got confused with J at one point. the whole initials thing is ridiculous. they were middle initials. still, shouldnt be too difficult to put right; one of the Ls has three middle names. or perhaps four. i am giving up on pointless orthography in my blog. the only punctuation that really matters are full stops, commas and colons. ok, dashes and hyphens too . but apostrophes and capital letters are rarely necessary.

hmmm... saw E on tuesday. he knows. he so knows. i was in a place i like to be, where if anyone walks throuhg youre quite obvious, and he saw me through the window on his way. i saw him too. he knows. he walked through, speeding up as he went, and i just looked away and drew in my legs. and id meant to confront him that day, having realised the whole email thing hadnt worked and never would. incidentally, i also realised that the advice given by one L (the original. a girl) would in fact have worked much better. i feel quite guilty now for ignoring her. not just because it didnt work.

theres a reason i havent blogged in a while. nothing happens in my grey slush of a life. but something thats made me happy recently is that two of my best friends are now going out. i am happy but jealous at the same time. apart from now when my mood is back at grey. but one of them is very nervous and unsure about the whole thing, of the others (i cant even identify them with their initials, sorry) feelings, etc

-oh dear. just talking to someone, and my knew hypothesis of me is that i actually wouldnt work in a relationship. im too selfish, id always feel guilty. im not sure i could give myself up and be free. actually, have a look

Him:i'd like to see you getting yourself a bf. i think you should try for someone other than the one you have been pursuing.
Me:i havent been pursuing him to be my boyfriend. i reall havent. i dont know if i could find a boyfriend. im very selfish, id always feel guilty.
Him:perhaps you should have someone just for sex?
Me:well thats lovely. i hardly think theres anything about me thats going to attract someone for just sex. depressing as this is, my personalitys probably my best feature
...
Me:id miss the self indulgence of lonliness

I will die alone