One of the somethings i have wondered abut myself is the fact that i seem to find people being attracted to me so damn repulsive. Let's face it, in the past, i've only ever really liked people who don't like me back. And i've never been anywhere near certain that this a coincidence. And there have been people who have liked me, much as i like to tell myself otehrwise. And i've never really liked any of, despite there not being anything wrong. The most recent example would be Jeremy who Leanna was desparate for me to go out with. He was so obvious in his attraction that even i could spot it. He gave me his number. It's still there, unused.

People who do like me quite clearly have something wrong with them. Not all of me actually believes this, but i'm pretty sure some of me does.

So it's quite rare, then, that i should like someone and they should like me back, as seems to be the case with Sumerian. One of my worries is that, while right now i'm very excited about what's to come, it won't last, that i will soon come to realise how crazy this boy is for showing any interest in me. This is a large downside to asking someone out six weeks before you'll actually be able to follow through with it.

For the moment i'm hanging on, but only through a strategy i don't really think much of at all. I've been getting jealous. (I really can't claim this is entirely deliberate) Facebook is how we do all our stalking nowadays, and it makes it an awful lot easier to not be caught. And, browsing round Sumerian's facebook profile, i find someone who seems particularly to have interested him.

I, of course, have no claim over him. It is completely ridiculous getting jealous over someone who has simply agreed to go out with me. Especially since, should anything happen, i'll be, zip! right back out of the country again for another month or two. It'll be May before i could even ask him to commit anything. But still i get jealous. Not, i think, unfoundedly. If it were just me deluding myself, tricking myself out of losing interest, i'd mind less, ut i think there's actually something to be jealous of here, if i had the right to. But then, maybe that's me deluding myself still further.

So this is a fear - tricking myself, before we go out, of actually wanting to.