Why am i so sad? Things have turned out not badly and i'm sitting here moping. Apparently, nothing actually happened between P and F. they were arranging things towards the end of his relationship with S, but they wee called off once he'd sorted things out with J. J's happy now. So should i be. But, it seems, i'm not. And my opinion of P seems to be getting gradually worse and worse. Which isn't good as, if all goes well, we'll be going to the same university. I did think about screwing up a teensy bit so i'd go to my second choice university (It's not as if i'll be able to avoid him, we're doing the same subject.) but my chances of getiing the grades for my first choice are precarious enough. And who knows, maybe we'll be really good friends again up thre. I doubt, i doubt very much, he'll have top stop treating me like a child or an alien first, but maybe.

Perhaps i should make more of an effort, he is going out with my best friend. But i have, i have made an effort, and i just end up angry at the way he talks to me. "I don't understand you", he says it constantly. There's nothing to understand, i'm just a shallow fickle mess. I'm still trying to work out how telling me J can still be my best friend was supposed to help. It's as if, even when he's trying to make me feel better, he still needs to assert that he's the one going out with J. How i can i be friends with someone when i talk about with so much bile, whether or not it's justified.

However, it looks like i am, once again, afraid of losing J. Not for the reasons P thinks, just that if i'm going to keep insulting P to him, and in here, then it's hardly going to make him think better of me. Oh well. If J starts to hate me over this, then so be it. I don't believe he would, and if he does, i don't know enough about him anyway.