Fickle. It's a word I like to use a lot. But I think I'm justified. I change my mind constantly. Earlier today, around two o' clock, I'd planned a post on self-esteem and my supposed lack of it, in which I intended to prove that I had plenty of self-esteem, thatnk you very much. A few hours later, when I decided to post it I'd forgotten all but the very basics of my argument. And now here I am to contradict myself (possibly). My stance on my own self-esteem has changed, I suspect, because of today's conversation with J. I am, of course, overreacting again. He said the reason the conversation was so one-sided (and I'm not good at being one half of a conversation, never mind both) was that he was revising and I've really no good reason to do that. But it looks like every time I have a conversation with J where anything seems slightly wrong I'm going to end up in a bad mood again. Well, not so much a bad mood as just wistful. Wishing, perhaps, that I hadn't done 'the right thing' that I've been praising myself for having done these last few days. But I did, and so on.

Perhaps the poor conversation was all my fault, for immediately launching in with my newest shallowness: "I'm in love!!". It's just a while since I've felt the centre of attention. Sorry, but that's who I am. I crave attention. Which can often jar with my lack of confidence. I feel guilty about it now, as I know J is still not exactly happy right now (Another thing I feel guilty about: I'm a little annoyed that this has all happened if people aren't even going to have the decency to be happy. Obviously the small part of me that feels that way is generally overruled though.) And conversation did pick up towards the end. But I felt throughout that it was more than just revision that kept him so reticent, but all my attempts at prying came to nothing. which suggests that he was either telling the truth (likely) or that he no longer trusts (me deluding myself to feel important).

But, yes, this was intended to be a post about self-esteem. People generally assume I don't have much self-esteem, and I had originally planned to contradict that. I still will, though not to the same extent. I like myself, I really do. I know I have traits which aren't really desirable, but so does everyone. And I feel that, other than the fact that I'm fat (And I'm not obese; not as fat as P made me out to be in a recent tirade about self-esteem ("Trust me, if you lost weight you would be attractive to more people. Enough willpower is all that's needed, and you would be so much happier with yourself.") intended somehow to cheer me up.) I'm not too ugly. There's nothing particularly offensive about my face and any other deformities are hidden. I like myself and think that overall I'm a good person. I have self-esteem. It's whether other people hold me in esteem that is my constant worry.

I know I have friends, I do believe I'm liked. I don't think I generally give much reason to be hated. Obviously there are people who don't like me, but I do like to think there are those who do, aswell. It's just that I often find it hard to convince myself of this. I'm very concerned with how I present myself. Not physically, so much (But a little. And more so recently), but as a person. I am constantly afraid of seeming arrogant, or self-obsessed, or boring, or I change my mind and repeat myself too much. And parts of me believe that actually that is all nonsense, that I'm rather a pleasant person. But naturally these opinions have their oppsites, and they often seem to be more numerous.

However, I will say of my bad moods that they generally don't manage to remain at their darkest for too long. I'm always eventually buoyed up to wistfulness at the very least, and I go round smiling vaguely. And I make up for my bad moods, I think, by often just feeling ecstatic. These moods are short lived too, but I enjoy the memory more.

As a final note, obviously I know that my 'love' for Robert Frobisher is actaully just an atempt to force my feelings for J away, but is there anything wrong with that? It's not like it's going to hurt him, and I'm doing to stop myself hurting. And I still think he's rather groovy.