Damn. I thought I could move this thing, to a new address so J couldn't read it and be affected by any ridicuolus sense of honour or loyalty. He shouldn't try be loyal to me, I really am not worth it. I'll only push him away eventually, as I do with all my friends. I had thought that maybe this friedship was different, that it would last, but perhaps not. Maybe I should have taken him up when he was suggesting that things could happen between us, so that when it did all go wrong I could blame him; it was his idea, it's him that's in love with someone else, I'd be almost free of guilt. But that didn't happen. I think it's time I did go into reclusion again. Sulking may be immature and selfish, but it helps me.