Oh God. This isn't good, I feel completely lost. J read my last post, and he posted in his blog about it and asked me, as soon as I came online, to read it. I did. And didn't understand. I understood that he had been offended, despite me trying to say he shouldnt, and I understand why he could be. But I hadn't expected (always hoped, but never expected) that he might, perhaps, be in love with me back. His blog seemed to suggest it, but I couldn't let myself form conclusions based on that. So I had to ask him. And so it seems maybe he is. But he doesn't know.

The thing is, though, I cant let him be in love with me. And know I've spent the last half hour telling him he can't be in love with me and why he can't and it kills me to say it. I want him to love me, I want that so much. But it cannot happen.

I wouldn't be good for him, I wouldn't be good for anyone. I don't deserve to be loved, and especially not by J. And even if I were worthy, I can't. He's my best friend, and I love him so dearly as my best friend and if he were more than that I mightn't be able to turn to him like I can now. What would happen if something was terribly wrong between us? I wouldn't be able to turn to my very best friend, because my very best friend would be him! And I couldn't cope without being able to turn to him.

And what if we broke up and it was really horrible and we could never forgive each other? I'd lose him forever and I wouldn't be able to love him forever and ever. And I have to be able to love J. I have to. If that means not loving him in quite the way I want to because it's the only way to be certain of being able to love him at all then I have to do that.

J's gone now, he left a while ago, but since then S has been trying to persuade me to give things a chance. But there isnt anything to give a chance yet anyway! And he isnt helping. Hes just making me feel worse and worse about something I'm determined to do, something I have to do. He just doesn't understand, he isn't even listening. How can he say that just because things are going well with him and P they will here. He even accepts that his thing will end soon! He doesn't believe that it will keep going once P goes off to university. And I'm not sure if I could see love that way. If I were to regard it as a success it would have to live forever. And at the moment my love for J can do that. Because it doesnt need us to become any more dependent on each other, to fall any deeper in love. Because there's less chance of it failing.

I know this isn't the right way to live life, or so we're told. We have to take risks to enjoy ourselves. But if risk only leads to disaster, as it so often does, how is that a sensible way to be? I still remember back in year ten, when I screwed up this completely unimportant speech for a drama competition, and in the end just ran off stage and hid in the wings, the wings being hidden by a very small curtain less than the span of my arms (my arms in year ten). And then at one point, my favourite teacher, Ms. E (for Eniglish) came up and told me I'd been ok, and said not to cry. And it was only then that I cried. But that isn't my point, my point is that I still remeber it and it still hurts and that was something that meant nothing at all. If I screwed up a relationship with the most important person in my life I wouldn't be able to live with myself. And if I hurt him, in any way at all...