Sometimes admitting to something makes it stronger. I admitted I love J, I told him, and now I think I love him more. Well, I always loved him, or have for a while. I'm in love more. Or is that just because I get so reflective on long journeys? I went by coach to London today to see Measure For Measure. It was good. But anyway. The thing is, I've started having a recurring daydream. I lean over to hug him, hold him tight (surely I'm allowed to hug my best friend at least) then I whisper in his ear "Sorry", pull back and kiss him quickly on the cheek. That's it. That's not so bad, is it? That could almost be best friend behaviour. Sometimes, often, I do think that this love isn't necessarily being in love, it's just that I've never had a best friend to love like this.

Sort of on this subject, I should probably tell P that I've let his secret slip, but I don't want to yet. Although my feelings have changed since earlier. I do love P, but I'm sometimes not sure how much I trust him. And S seemed to be rather concerned at times about the longevity of their relationship. But he did tell me today he'd had the "best date ever!" today. But I was worried that maybe if P knew that J had liked him too he might be tempted to... I don't know. It's just that before those two started going out I'd heard a lot from S about how much he loved P, but never any indication anywhere that those feelings were reciprocated. I thought he still loved J. And although I don't want to be obsessively guarding J against all suitors (and I really don't think I do that), I don't think I'd like the two of them going out at all. Oh dear. What if I start judging everyone J loves as not good enough? But maybe I'm right to. He does deserve the best. Maybe that's why I'm happy not to try have him reciprocate; I know I'm not good enough too.