I am swamped in advice and moral support. But I'm not sure I need it. And noone can agree anyway. And J's gone. I feel bad. So obviously I'm listening to my saddest music.

P appears to have completely the opposite opinion. He believes I'm not in love with J. He says "if you don't want to have sex with him then i don't think you're in love with him. one of the components of non-platonic love, whether people like it or not, is lust." I'd never said I didn't want to have sex with J, but I can't really imagine it happening either. Not that I can actually imagine myself having sex at all. But, um, I can (Oh my giddy god, what the hell am i about to say?!? I shall just have to hope that when J himself reads this he is rendered too embarassed to atually say anything about it) see myself (GAAAH!) giving him a... um... i cant say it, but its frequently known by the initials BJ. But the thing is, I'm not sure I'd want anything back. I just want to make him happy, really.

A little while ago he sent me a short film of himself and a friend just messing around really. But I've watched it many times, often without sound so as not to attract attention, just to gaze at him. I actually yearned. Is that lust?

But then other times I seem to have different feelings for him when I'm with him in person than when we talk online. I haven't really got much to base this on, because I've only seen him in real life once at the most since I possibly fell in love, I think. I don't know how to carry on talking or where I'm going with this, so I'll stop now.