I thought things were sorted out. I thought I'd got my feelings under control. I thought things between P and J were, well, weren't. But everything's gone bad again. And it's all my fault. If I hadn't let J see my blog...

I don't, selfish as this might be, want anything to happen between P and J. But it's beginning to seem as if they perhaps might. I'm sorry to talk so vaguely, but I can't be specific about something I know so little about. So much as it galls me, things are going on. And I now have volunteered to try advise P, unwise as that may be. I spent the first half of the evening warning him off J in a jovial manner, as I thought there was nothing going to happen anyway, but then when I realised (It took me so long. I can't belive what a self absorbed idiot I am) I of course ended up trying to be helpful. J seems to be less willing to let me know what's happening, which upsets me. After talking so brilliantly last night I feel like I've already lost him again. And it's my own fault because I'd been so blunt and tactless earlier.

I was convinced I wasn't in love with him, that I was just his best friend. But my behaviour tonight is surely not that of a rational, loving best friend. I'm again more like a snubbed suitor, the jealously obsessed fool who needs to be got rid of. And yet somehow I've inviegled myself into this position where I'm trying to help the person I saw at the beginning of the night as my enemy, and now am starting to think of like that again, as I realise that I might be in love with J after all, despite all resolutions to the contrary. But I can't be. Perhaps, while J is also single, I feel that I as his best friend, own him more than anyone else (I hate this, I hate how possesive I am. What sort of way is this to treat anyone?), but if he and P somehow work things out then P has him. I'm suddenly a third wheel. I'm rejected again.

Suddenly I feel so selfish. Here am I complaining, when in so much worse a position there's S, who knows nothing at all of what's going on, and who, much as he professes that he is comfortable with the fact that their relationship will not be very long-lived, I doubt will be remotely happy with the way all this is pointing at the moment.

Oh God! they are actually in love with each other, aren't they! And I can't let my feelings be a part of this. But they can't! How can J love him? How? He may be good-looking, but he is very arrogant, and doesn't seem to care for other people's feelings at all. And I know these are all criticisms I make of myself, but I really think they are worse in him: "You have escaped, i think. Be grateful to your mind, for the strength." When have I showed strength of mind? I think it can be said that I've had clarity of mind, to an extent, but strength?

Dammit! If I get angry at him all he does is apologise and make me wrong again! "I try so hard not to be arrogant. I evidently fail." Maybe he and J should go out.

I have to hide this.