I know I keep saying the same things again and again, but I'm allowed to. It's my blog. It's for me. I asked J today how he could love P, because really I still don't understand it that well. He responded "Why don't you? Whats not to understand?", then asked "How can you love me?"

I reproduce my answer in full because I feel it is actually rather well expressed, clearer than any other time I've tried to say these things.

"I can love you because you're the first person ever to trust me, the first person I've ever trusted. I love you because, whatever my deficiencies, I feel there is a similarity between us, and the way we think. I can love you because you're the best person I know, the only person it seems sometimes. I can love you because whenever im upset and I look inside myself, and I feel alone, and I'm blind to the rest of the world, I can still see you. And I can love you because you won't be arrogant about that. It may please you, but you wouldnt crow. You wouldn't... I dont know. But you're so much better than he is.

"I love you because you make me feel that perhaps I'm not all that bad. Because you understand that advice isn't always neccessary, sometimes all you need is sympathy and understanding. Because I can be in love with you and you don't mind. You're even flattered! Because, of everyone I know, you were the only person I could see being old with me, the only one I would be happy to have stand at my grave.

"And because even though I know the only way I can stop this destroying me aswell is just to fade away, I cant do that."

All he said to this was "Don't overanalyse your feelings then." It's here, I see now, the final proof. I can love him, be in love with him (though not as much as I might have thought), but his feelings don't have anything like the weight of mine, nevermind what he's said previously.

"What does that mean? I dont know what that means! You just asked me to analyse my feelings!"

"Not to that extent. You feel bad about things that I don't even realise are important."

"I feel bad about everything. I built my whole personality around feeling bad"

"For goodness sake why?"

"I never chose to be who I am. That's just how I turned out"

I don't think he understands me anywhere near as well as I thought he did.