Today is the day that P and J go out. I don't mind as much as I thought I would, but I mind more than anyone seems to think.I've been talking to J as if I'm fine, and mostly I am, but I'd still like to discuss a little how I feel. But I feel guilty to bring up, even to feel bad, because really I'm the person least affected by what's gone on. And I sort of feel that J should be able to tell. Another reason I won't bring it up is that I'm still so afraid of going anywhere near the boundaries of friendship. Things are great and fun again, but I don't know how secure. I'm sure it's all fine really, but I can be a little paranoid.

I want to tell him how I feel, but perhaps writing it here is the next best thing, as I know he'll read it. I act fine, and mostly I'm OK, but sometimes, today especially, knowing he's out with P, I do feel... less good. I've been rather mopey today, in one of those moods where I just keep wandering round the house, occasionaly lying down and feeling sorry for myself. You know the sort of thing. Just the thought that if I hadn't done my much trumpeted 'Right Thing' I might at least have been able to have some sort of physical contact with him. I've never even hugged him, my best friend. I love hugging, but it gets sort of forced out of you after a while in a boys' school. Even S got to hug him this week, S who has every right to despise him completely. I am doomed, aren't I, to forever be the outsider of the Ace Crew. The other three, and R even, although nobody really counts him any more, are all much closer than me (Oh dear, I'm going down the "I will die alone" road again.). Well, perhaps not closer, but more linked. More involved. More experienced with each other, definitely. Although perhaps that's not all that bad. Someone described the relationships between the Ace Crew as 'incestuous', and it's a good point. Perhaps I am better off- this is too self-indulgent even for me. I can't even continue this paragraph. Sorry.

I feel a bit of a hypocrite because of the advice I was giving to S a few days ago. He was obviously very upset by everything that had happened recently, but kept saying how fine he was, all that "life goes on" nonsense. I probably only just stopped him saying "plenty more fish in the sea". I kept telling him he had a right to feel angry, to be upset, and eventually he admitted he did feel that way, a little. Actually, I've just realised that perhaps my own motives for thi won't so savoury. Unlike S, I'm not really justified in being angry and upset, so I had him feel like that for me. Not deliberately, obviously, but I think that may have been going on subconsciously. Anyway, what I was originally saying was that I'd been exhorting S to feel bad and show it, but here I am hiding my feelings (Although not that well, if I can't resist blogging them.) from my best friend. But I am a great believer in the smile. I do believe that smiling does actually make you feel better, generally. And sometimes to do that the smile has to be a bit fake.

Actually, no, there's nothing wrong with me being happy and sad at the same time. Why shouldn't I smile and be unhappy at the same time? That doesn't make the smile fake, it just means it's isn't everything I feel, I have other feelings going on underneath. And it isn't neccessary that everyone know all of these feeling, just that I recognise them. There.