There. I've decided. I'm not in love with J. Not properly. I am, but only until someone comes along to snap me out of it, like he had with P. But i'm not giving up my 'being in love' to reasoned argument. I haven't been reasonable before, there's no reason to start now. I'm not letting P or anyone else defraud me out of my feelings, however imaginary they may be. I can still enjoy it, even while i wait for something real to come along. Incidentally, that stuff about not needing people to be in love with me is true, but only to an extent. Obviously eventually i'll need someone to be in love with me, but for now i'm fine pottering along alone.

You see, i think my reasons (Yes, that's right, another of my wonderful theories!) for being jealous of J are not because i'm in love with him, but because i miss being needed. There was a time, really not long ago at all, though it feels it, when i was a great help to J. I don't think it's too arrogant of me to say that, i'm pretty sure it's true. I was, for a little while, the only person he'd come out to, his only openly (Well, openly to my friends.) gay friend. I've never really been in that kind of situation before, where i'm actually able to help and advise someone. But now J doesn't really need my help and support, or not as much as he did. He has more friends than just me now that he can talk to about the things that affect him, and he even has a boyfriend who, although it'll be a while until i fully trust him or forgive him for the assumptions he's made about me, i'm beginning to agree might just be right for J (That isn't meant in an angry, dismissive "They deserve each other!" way.), and i'm getting better at being happy fo them. They're out right now (Well, sometime today, i don't know exact times. I think sometime in the afternoon.) and, well, there's something down there in my heart that's not quite sitting comfortably, but mostly i'm fine.

I realise this idea of wanting to feel needed is rather a selfish one, but i never tire of pointing out that i'm selfish anyway, so that's just more proof for me. However, the problem may be resolved for a while. There is a very good friend of mine who pretty much everyone believes is gay, even me, though i try so hard not to judge people. He never admits to being gay, with good reason; our school is filled with some of the worst homophobic (I hate that word, but it's all there is.) boors imaginable. Fortunately, by the time one reaches year thirteen people are generally better and more understanding. Otherwise I don't suppose i'd have come out at all.

However, remembering when i wanted to come out, wishing someone would ask me if i was gay, wishing i hadn't denied it so many times that i'd somehow convinced people, i thought perhaps i should ask him. I debated with myself for a few days whether i should, and spent some time trying to frame the question perfectly (This was, of course, over MSN. Hardly anything goes in in my life in the real world.), as sympathetically as possible, emphasising that i understood his situation, trying as hard as possible not to pressure him. He didn't answer the question directly, and the convrsation moved round to other things. The next day i brought up the subject again and eventually, with me tentatively getting nearer and nearer to asking the question, until finally i asked "Are you gay?"

"I think i might be." I did feel a little guilty about having perhaps pressured him into it, but i'd tried as hard as possible not to, and once i'd reassured him that no, his answer did not seem silly, i definitely began to feel i had done the right thing in asking him, that i had helped.