I wasn't supposed to be in love with E anymore. I'd even convinced myself i never had been. So why did i feel like that when i saw him this morning?

I was in school today for my last exam. Before school started i went up, as i usually do, to the library, to see my friends, or the friends that were there. At one point i looked out of the window and saw E. Naturally, i made mjy excuses and abandoned the library for the common room (Among the sixth formers it seems i am (Should that be was? Oh God!) the only one who does the common room as their sole place to go outside lesson time), where, though i might not have been able to see him, i at least knew he was around. I didn't see him until everyone was leaving again for registration, but dear God! I'd forgotten how beautiful he was. He is very and extremely beautiful. I know it's shallow of me to decide i love him again based on that, but it isn't just that. It's just that all my feelings for him came flooding back today.

After i came out of my exam i saw that he was on guard duty (E's a prefect now.) on the opposite days. My friends happened to be going that way too, so i followed them, just for that brief rush of being near him. (Which was made even harder by the fact that i was trying to hide from him at the same time.) I think he saw me. I don't know. He must have seen me, though, on the way out, when i was a little behind anyone else and staring intently at the floor. I wished, afterwards, that i'd had the courage to at least look at him. I had fantasies of mouthing or whispering "I'm sorry." (Obviously i couldn't say anything out loud. Even fantasies need some basis in reality.) to him. Or even just of looking him in the eye, and the truth just washing over him as he understands and forgives me all in one second. I blame the books for this.

On a more alarming note, yesterday i found something carved into the toilet wall. I was gazing at the all those wonderful drawings which manage somehow to represent women with the aid of apparently little or no anatomical knowledge, when i noticed, carved into the plaster, "I LOVE [E]". (Capitals are easier to carve.) It must have been me that carved this. For one thing, it was blatantly my handwriting. But i have no memory of carving it. And surely, surely, i'd remember something as weird and stalkerish as this. It's not even like i only put in his first name. If he's ever seen this, no wonder he hates me. Louse. I have no idea what to do. I didn't even have anything to scratch it out with. And for some reason, i wasn't sure i should.