I've just come back from trying to wash and dry my clothes. I think i may need to start washing them by hand and buy a clothes horse. I haven't got all that many clothes, so i decided i'd be best off washing them sooner rather than later. So i did. I traipsed over to the launderette and sat. And waited. It felt like hours before my clothes were done, but as soon as they were i moved them over to a tumble dryer, put my forty pence in and waited. It seemed even longer this time, but eventually it was time. I opened the door, stuck mu hand in began to pull out my clothes. They were still soaking wet. I tried another dryer and they were only marginally dryer forty minutes later. My room is now bedecked with socks and shirts, all a much darker shade of green than they should be. I'm not terribly happy.

My obsession appears to be coming on apace. There was an 'activities bazaar' today, and i went along, partly because i thought i might sign up for things and partly because i knew the LGB had a stall there and i hoped i might see UE. Also, i did have to be over at the university anyway, to get some information about my french course. I did see UE there, although i wasn't able to spend much time gazing. I walked around the stalls a few times, stealing a few glimpses as i went. And then i left. I'd other things to do. I came back again though, later, and on my way in, i saw P. I'm getting pretty good at avoiding him now though, so i held back. Seconds later i realised that the first thing he'd see as he went in would be the LGB stall. I didn't know what i could do, but i wanted to try do something. He was with someone, a girl. It's good that he's getting friends too. For some reason i assumed he wouldn't be. Perhaps his new friends will mean i'm free of him. Anyway, i decided to follow him round, maybe to try stop him somehow if he got too near the LGB stall. I did pretty well for a while but at one point he didn't seem to be making much progress, but UE had got up to go somewhere else. I got distracted and lost P. So i stayed instead by the stall, so that if he did appear i'd still know. He didn't come for ages though, and i just got bored and decided to leave. Entirely by coincidence, of course, this was about the time that i noticed UE picking up his bag to leave. I dithered a bit, then left. Outside, i dithered again, but, catching a glimpse of UE, i strode erratically off in the direction of home, berating myself and almost tripping over my feet. I turned right, but stopped myself in time to watch which way UE (Who i knew had come down the same path as me.) went. He turned left, towards the centre of Sheffield. Only then did i remember that i'd actually planned to go into Waterstone's today. So i turned round and, by a serious of coincidences i'd suconsciously tricked myself into taking seriously, i found myself stalking him.

I think he was going home. On Tuesday night, on our way to the club, he and one of the others, who i think lives in the same building but not, i gathered from conversations i 'overheard', in the same apartment. And almost certainly not in the same bed. It sounded as if there isn't anyone else who sleeps regularly in his bed but him. Oh god, this isn't healthy, is it. It really, really isn't. He must have noticed. At one point he stopped, i think he was looking over at my side of the road. Not because he'd seen me, but he was talking to someone. But surely then he stood a good chance of seeing me. Why do i have to go round obsessing over people. Erotomania, ever heard of that? I saw about it first in a film starring Audrey Tautou (LOVE HER) called (I think) A la folie? Pas du tout. It was about this girl who was obsessed with someone, and became convinced that she was actually having a relationship with him. It showed the story twice: once from her point of view and once from his. It was good. And while i'm not so insane that i believe the people i fall in love with, obsess over or dote on love me back, there are times when i imagine affection for me on their behalf and - look, it still isn't normal so fall so easily to stalking people. Still, perhaps the spped with which i've become obsessed can only be a good sign. Perhaps by next Friday i'll have told him and been rejected, then be over him by Sunday, being able to find someone new to obsess over at Tuesday's meeting.

But then, as always, there's the little bit telling me that maybe this time could be different. Maybe i could charm, after all, i've got quite a while to do it in. Possibly next year too. And there's the part of me that thinks being pathetic might actually make somemone like me, or at least take pity on me.

I hate this in myself, i really do. I hate it.