My sexuality has never been an issue before. Never ever. Not really. I've been teased a little, but not viciously. No more than i've been teased about anything else. I was starting to think that maybe this is a pretty tolerant society. But then yesterday it all went a bit weird and now i'm just confused. I'm not sure of how best to tell this.

About two weeks ago, on Thursday, it was my birthday. At the weekend i had some friends over and my mother had decided (I haven't blogged about this because i'm sort of a little embarassed.) that i would want a hot tub. So she rented one, this odd thing that was just delivered and slotted together. But i'm a little worried about what led her to this decision. I know she's read my diary at least twice, and i think one of these times she may have things i said about E. However, E would most likely have been referred to only by his first name, which happens to be the same as W and A. So for a while i've suspected that she thinks that i may have feelings for A. Just little things she's said or done. So i do wonder if maybe that was part of her reasong. I hope not, but i wouldn't put it past her.

Anyway, it turns out that there are, for the first time i can think of, rumours about me. I have an idea about the sourceand i don't really mind, but i'm amazed by how far they've gone. P mentioned something about something else that had happened that evening, (It almost felt like he was trying to prove he knew stuff about me, it was sort of weird.) but i didn't realise until last night quite how far this had spread. Forgive me if i don't explain this properly. I think i have mentioned before, though not by letter, M. He's bisexual and has fallen in love with his best friend. I don't know much about what's happened since then. I know he told this boy, and that initially they had a minor falling out. I think now though that they're friends again and nothing more. M only originally told this boy that he (I'll call him Z, as i don't intend to talk much about him again.) was bisexual when Z told M that he thought he may be bi.

So, it transpired somehow that i was talking last night (online, of course) with Z's sister. We had been getting on alright when suddenly she said "get lost ma bro sez ur gay! cuz of ur 18th bday party wiv da hot tub! [sic]" (That's just so terrible i don't even know where to start correcting it, so i've settled for just putting [sic] in instead. I do like finding excuses to use that.) Naturally, while both statements were true by themselves, i resented the suggestion that onbe was a logical comclusion of the other. But at the time i was more surprised by the fact that someone in year nine knew about my birthday party.

"Oh dear lord!!! How does he know about that?!?!?!?" (I was perhaps a tad excessive with the punctuation.)

"i duno but is it tru?? r u really gay?? [again, sic]"

This carried on, and she didn't seem particularly to resent my sexuality until, suddenly, she said "huh??? wow gay ppl r confusin!" (I would insert here some explanation as to what had caused her to say this if i had any idea myself.)

"Are we? how so?"

"cuz u r n im not gonna tlk 2 u nemor infact im gonna blok n delete u"

Once you've deciphered that (Yes, i am exaggerating, but i always do.) i hope you will be just as shocked as i was. I didn't think people thought they could still get away with that sort of behaviour, with thinking like that in this century. I was so taken aback that i didn't have chance to respond before she went through with this childish action, but i immediately started writing her an e-mail. It wasn't a very good one, as really i had no idea what to say. I was too confused even to be angry. I just had to know why, exactly, she'd decided my sexuality was something to be abhorred. She hasn't responded yet, and i doubt she will. I don't know yet if i'll be able to let this go or get obsessed with it, but i had to write that email, futile as it may have been.

But it's the involvement of her brother, Z, that annoys me most. Simply from the way she spoke it seemed obvious that he'd spoken as if my being gay were somehow offensive to him too, but we all now know (Thatnks to the fact that i cannot keep a secret) that he has at the least had doubts about his sexuality. And it's seemed to me that generally doubts such as this turn into certainties. It's not, perhaps, actual doubt, just an unwillingness to say things, lest this make them more real. In the first ever entry in my diary (Now, it seems, quite dead.) i said that my sexuality was 'questionable'. I'm pretty certain now that i knew full well that i was gay. And i'm certain i'm not the only person to have done this initially. It must take a very brave person to immediately make the decision to accept that they are gay.

In other news, this may be my last post for a while. My french exchange partner's coming tomorrow evening, and i doubt i'm going to get much chance to use the computer in that time. Last time he was here things were a little awkward, and the two weeks dragged on quite a bit. This time, though, i'm determined to try harder. He's not here for as long this time, either. But despite my not getting on swimmingly with my partner (though i did have some great times this Easter in France) i'm still a firm advocate of language exchanges. They really do help. But i am starting to get really nervous about spending the entire third year of my university course in France.(I've already found the silver lining though. Assuming P and i do both get into the same university, that'll be a year away from him.)