P sent me an email three days ago. (Actually, i've just noticed he didn't send it to me. He sent it to J, via myself and S. Assuming i've understood the various twiddly bits at the top of the email.)

"OK I confess. It was unpleasant, unplanned, drunken and unwanted, and quite frankly he is disgusting, but I was too inebriated to care anyway. And about the 'kiss', I wasn't being unnaturally secretive or 'squirmy', because there was no desire there. Anyway, I have paid the consequences and I'm as hurt as anyone (assuming you are also hurt) – as well as embarrassed that I would lower myself to his level, I will probably continue to be valued only (or mainly) by the people that I don't really value back. Such is the price of deceiving people. But I'll probably carry on doing it for the rest of my life nonetheless, whether I want to or not.

I know that I said no more emails, but I thought you'd either want or deserve to have this one. Know that I feel that I have wasted something."

I wasn't entirely sure, at the time, exactly what he was confessing to. Whether he just meant the kiss, or if he was talking about everything the rumours said. I asked him yesterday and he told me that he had meant everything. I was vaguely annoyed, as i had once again started to believe him that nothing had happened, but mostly relieved really. Although i still can and probably will feel somewhat guilty about all this, i believe now that i did the right thing. I told no lies, accidental or otherwise.

Whether or not J ever does, i know that i will forgive P. I'd like to say this is because really i'm a forgiving person, but i'll actually blame it once again on my pathetic inability to remain steadfast on anything and resist his pleading that he doesn't want to do the things that he does. That may be true, but i do think he is too ready to do hings and then use that as his excuse. And i've been drunk more times than him and never ended up kissing him. I, though, failed to see how pathetic the excuse of drunkenness was until it was pointed out to me, and D was right, "You don't lose all sense when you are drunk, you still have your thoughts." And thinking about it, the only reason i ever got drunk in the first place was to give myself the freedom and confidence to do something i'd wanted to do for a while.

When i first got drunk, it was with a small group of friends at W's house. These gatherings occured frequently among my friends, although i'd never gone before. And i knew that they always got drunk. In agreeing to go i had decided that i was going to get drunk. I was the only one who knew why, though.

I'm not quite sure exactly what i was expecting the alcohol to do to me, but i was certain that it would help. And it did. I enjoyed being drunk. I got into one of my giggly attention seeking mmods, but i think other people cared less, as they were drunk too. And, eventually, i did pluck up the courage to come out. Not, as i'd hoped, to everyone, but only to A, who wasgreat about the whole thing. As far as i remember. That was back at the start of the year, around halfway through September. that's actually quite a while ago. I hadn't thought about that before.

Since then i've been drunk a few times, about four or five, and i'm rather pleased that i'm yet to experience a hangover. (P got one on his second time. Serves him right, really.) I haven't, though, been drunk in ages. Mainly because i haven't got a lot of money and there are other causes much more worthy of it. Namely, my book collection. (I've fallen in love with another book, by the way. It just has one of the most beatiful covers of recent times. Although it isn't as good as Cloud Atlas. It's called A Few Short Notes on Tropical Butterflies and it's a book of short stories. Short stories are good, you always tend to get at least one that you like. That happened when i read Other Stories and Other Stories by Ali Smith. The first few i'd decided were "OK", (My pronouncement on any book not worthy of any particular praise but also not atrocious.) but then they started to get rather dull, until the very last, A Story of Love, which i turned out to absolutely adore.) And i'm perfectly capable of giggling and finding contrived statements funny when sober.