I've been on a high since seeing J on Friday. It was so wonderful, speaking to him again, and i've been quietly ecstatic since. I've only recently come down. Evidently i'm still in love with him. And on Friday i noticed, in a way i haven't before, that he's really rather good looking. Apart from the fact that he's very obviously fifteen. Still, i can't wait to see him as a grown-up. And i'm more determined than ever to eventually claim the kiss i've been promised, although i still haven't even managed my long yearned for hug.

However, i have no intention, unless something dramatic happens, of ever starting a relationship of any greater depth of emotion (I tried to say it normally, i did, but i just got swept past my target of a clear and concise description into skirting it with long sentences instead.) than our current one. Mainly, of course, because this can't happen. My feelings of being in love are not reciprocated, however much he loves me. And i'm completely happy with this. But were that not the case, if he did love me in the same way, then it still couldn't happen. I'm much more resolute now than back when it nearly did happen.

For one thing, and i know this is silly, i'm actually rather scared by the idea. He has had two... relationships in the past and (I know, i know this isn't his fault.) they have both ended quite badly. One never went further than a brief encounter in the toilets, and the other lasted only a month. He was the one who put an end to them both. Now i know this is silly, as i've known and completely respected his reasons for both, but i would be constantly afraid that i too would not measure up. J isn't as exacting and demanding as i've fooled myself in my head into believing he is, but i find it hard to stop believing something, even when i know it to be complete nonsense.

There is also the reason, the main reason, that i wouldn't let this happen before. And this time i've evidence to back it up. I was afraid then, and still would be now, that if something happened to break us up we would not part on the best of terms. Now that P and J have broken up, J appears to really, well, hate P, calling him on this very blog a "tosser" and a "wanker" and (worst of all!) comparing him to I, widely reputed for his arrogance and insensitvity. (Apparently on the morning of the book group I and J were arguing about whether i'd come in (I don't mean to say that as if it was a hot topic throughout the school; i'm sure they only briefly discussed it.) and J (My best friend, remember.(Though admittedly I probably doesn't know that.)) was informed by I that i wouldn't want to come in to see him (J). Ha!) I asked J a couple of days ago if he was speaking to P and he said he saw no reason to. I doubt that i would act as P has, but even so, if something did go wrong, who's to say that i couldn't end up losing my best friend?

And then, of course, there's the fellow previously referred to as "J's straight boy", worthy, i feel, on his second mention, of a letter. So he shall be Y. Y's position in J's feelings is roughly equivalent to that which E used to enjoy in mine. Apart from general consensus holds that Y is, in fact, straight. E's sexuality, we've always felt, was more doubtful. (No, obviously we don't spend all our time debating people's sexualities, but when these people are important to us we want to be certain.) But J is still rather obsessed with Y. he was even while he was going out with P, though i assume P didn't know that. And i know i'm not sufficient to supplant Y in J's emotions either.

I had other reasons too, when i started this, but i seem to have forgotten them. Still, i'm sure those three (Well, the middle one at least.) are enough to justify my turning down this imaginary relationship. That doesn't mean i'll stop imagining it though.