I think i have done something very, very bad. J, having read my last blog, confronted P about it and they've now broken up. All of last night i was worrying about that maybe what i'd been told about P wasn't true, though i've no real reason, other than P's denial, to disbelieve it. But still i feel so guilty about it. I had seen P earlier, but i'd hardly been able to talk about anything, nevermind anything that mattered.

As soon as I got into Birmingham yesterday (There, I couldn’t be bothered keeping that a secret from the internet anymore. But I’m not a brummie. Never accuse me of that.) I fell over. It wasn’t that bad at the time, but my foot and ankle, later on, were causing me a hellish amount of pain. Something more that annoyed me about P yesterday: when he heard I’d fallen over and really hurt myself, his first question was “In front of everyone?” as if the humiliation of falling over was worse than the actual pain. I didn’t like the suggestion that I was as obsessed with keeping up appearances as he. Obviously I didn’t tell him so, for the same reason I couldn’t tell him anything, for the same reason I could never talk to E: I’m terribly afraid of confrontation.

Having so injured my leg, when I got home I lay down for a while on my bed, rather than, as I should, it seems, have done, immediately rushing to the computer, going online and urging that everything i said may well have been nonsense. See, i said P would convince me. I am far too impressionable.

However, as i am so fond of quoting in a French translation, what's done is done. P and J are broken up and it doesn't seem that likely that they will get back together again. I don't think i can take sole credit for this, as even P said "I know there's no chance of anything with [J], because he was being a bastard to me on wednesday (or whenever it was) as well. Regardless of anything that people falsely, or jokingly claim happened, something was already going on." I, of course, being my thoroughly wet self, did not stick up for J here when i should have.

That was part of a huge tirade of which i was on the wrong end, filled with all sorts of things i found really rather insulting. He spoke as if he was the only person who's ever tried to help me, citing an incident i don't even remeber that must have been quite some time ago. He accused me of being "at the foot of the social ladder" an observation which i think, although i may have felt that way, has not really been true. Not for a very long time, at least. I think i've always been at the least tolerated, in a sort of annoying, irrelevant way. And i have always had friends who've cared for me, however much i've attempted at times to alienate them.

He basically accused me of having spent the last month trying to break the two of them up "I presume you convinced him to break up with me." "I'm quite sure that this is what you wanted all along." That made me so angry. I've never liked P and J being together, that's always been clear, but i've tried to. I grew, or was growing, to accept it, and i never actively tried to split them up. I realise that a lot of the things of said or blogged have shown my dislike of him, but J knows his own mind well enough that it would take more than a few bitchy comments, of no more weight than the words of a spiteful child, to turn him against P.

But then, when the conversation, i felt so guilty, to both of them, and i don't really know what to think. J has said to me "Thanks a lot for basically everything you've done." but i'm far too good at being guilty to just abandon it so quickly. The conversation ended when P made a few final comments, after i had asserted that i had every right to be jealous, and i never managed to respond to them: "There is no reason for you to be jealous now because [a] nothing happened. [b] he didn't really love me and [c] i wasn't really very fun anyway, it was always when can we meet up, etc., and never actually seeing each other. It was more hope than anything."