I think i am well on my way to having an immense and immovable crush (I had to stop myself swaddling that word in inverted commas. It may be a vile and evil Americanism, but i couldn't do without it. Besides, i rather like the word. It's all that Paula Danziger i read when i was young, i think. She warped my little english mind.) on someone who i feel i probably shouldn't. He's one of the LGB committee, for one thing. He's a second year, i think, (I always say "I think" for stuff like this. Back in the early days of my obsession with E i referred to him in my diary with a vague guess at his name, even though i knew full well what it was.) which makes him a year, perhaps two, maybe even more, older than me. Not that that would be the problem, of course. I'm perfectly happy being in love with a fifteen year old after all. At least if anything did happen between us nobody would be breaking any laws. But, of course, in making statements like that i am raising the idea of it, much like telling myself to not think of pink elephants. And, obviously, the only way to survive love is, firstly, to not call it love. Call it a crush or an obsession, but not love, or you'll start believing it is. And then we get caught up in this huge tangle of 'amor vincit omnia' lies that society will insist on perpetuating. The way to survive love is to stop believing in it. I can't allow myself to believe anything can come of anything because, invariably, it doesn't. Not for me.

Over the past few weeks i fell steadily deeper and deeper in love with J, which is part of why i wrote so little in my blog. It was all going in my diary, as i didn't feel able to reveal my feelings to the rest of the world. Especially when the world contained him. So i never told anyone, noone that was made of anything more substantial than wood pulp, at least, until, a few days before i was due to leave, i had to tell somebody. I was feeling especially bad since he had now missed the third time we'd been meant to meet up in the holiday, so i told S and a girl who hasn't really been mentioned here before, for all that she deserves it and, being a part of my life prior to university, she will get a letter. She can be N. I may have an N already, but they weren't important enough for me to remember them, so i don't mind giving away the letter. They were the right people to tell, i think. S was the first person i told when i was first in love with J, and i think he understands and can sympathise with my obsession over small, apparently unimportant details, and N seemed the right person to tell because i realised how much i trust her and how highly i think of her. She'd also recently read my blog, or some of it at least, so she new about my feelings for J, just not, as nobody did, the intensity to which they'd now risen.

Then on Friday i told J. N, the day before, when i'd obsessed at her about something J had said to me said that i needed to tell him, because "I seriously can't cope with either of you being unhappy for another six million years which is what it felt like last time there were problems for all you lot". So on Friday i did. He was... "flattered". He said that i'm special to him, an important part of his life, but it was obvious that that was it. I wasn't particularly happy.

I don't really knopw what to do now. Should i keep hoping that maybe something could happen? He did once say, when i asked him please to categorically deny all possibility of anything happening between us. He wouldn't, saying he'd "prefer to keep that door open". That was frustrating. It still is, because i don't know if i should be trying to do the same. Do i treat our relationship as he seems to, a brilliant friendship which could be something more, if we found ourselves without anything better. That's what it feels like he meant, though surely it isn't really. I'm so confused.

Not that i'm debating this in a serious sense. I just want to know whether or not i should be obsessing over people, having just told J I'm in love with him. But i've decided now. I'll bally well obsess over anyone i want.

And that is... but of course i haven't yet decided what to do about names. It still wouldn't be right to call people by their actual names, especially not if i ever intend to let people here see my blog. And i do. I did think about going through the whole alphabet again, but this time prefixing them all with a U. They're all just silly ideas though. For the moment, everyone remains nameless. So, this chap i like. Already i really like him. And not, i think, just because he's good looking. For one thing, i know he's gay. Or bisexual, at least. And i like his voice. And i like what i've seen of him as a person, too. But i should confess that never a word has passed between us, not once in the two times i've seen him. Oooh! Wait! there has! He did speak to me, i think, this afternoon. We went bowling. An LGB bowling trip, with far fewer people than had attended the previous night's introductory meeting. This time there were only ten of us. Four of whom were committee members. One of whom was him. I, by a splendid turn of fate (And a step to the left at the right time.) ended up on his team. At one point i got a strike (Hurrah!) and on my next turn he said something along the lines of "we want another strike now". I went back to knocking down about three pins each turn. But other than that, not a word have we said to each other. Oh, yes, there was something else, just as i was leaving, but equally negligible. I do wonder how much of my new found dedication to the LGB society is due to him. But no, no, it isn't just because of him. It's because last night i had a bally great time, and i did today as well and i'm meeting some great people.

I wish the meetings were more than once a week. That's what they are, after the fresher's week stuff. All that's left this week is "The Big Gay Pub Crawl". I'm not sure if i'll be going to that. There's to be an LGB stand at the activities bazaar as well. I'm getting worried i may turn up to that just to gaze. Too much of my life is spent gazing.

I gazed at him on Tuesday too, when i could. And at one point one of the others, the other committee members, another boy, came and sat on his lap. I was jealous. Not, so much, i think, of either one of them, but of the situation in general. Obviously, yes, i would like to sit in his lap, were it not for the fact that i'd crush him, ever so slightly. But what i mean is that i wish i could be in a position where i'm comfortable enough with someone for that to happen. And maybe, one day i will. Maybe here, at university. Maybe soon. Maybe with him. But i doubt it, i doubt it all very much. I was just so jealous. But then, jealousy comes so very easily to me.

I ran into P today. It wasn't the first time i've seen him since i came. I saw him on Monday as well, though i'd been desparately hoping not to. I'd been dreading, on Tuesday, that he might come to the LGB meeting, so i was terribly pleased when he didn't. I was pleased when the seats either side of me filled up, meaning even if he did turn up i wouldn't be stuch with him all evening. Because if he had, i would have been, i know it. And i wouldn't really have been able to make friends of my own, i'd just be stuck going around talking to the same people as him. So i was ecstatic at his absence. But then, today, when i ran into him, he started talking about the LGB meeting. He asked if i'd though about going. I didn't answer, i just let his ego steamroller through the conversation and i didn't even have to lie. It turned out that he had intended to come but he'd got caught up talking to some spaniards. He knew there was something on today, as well, (The very thing i was on my way to being very early for.) and he seemed well inclined to go. Or 'come', i suppose the word should be. Fortunately, though, (As you'll have guessed by my saying that i enjoyed myself.) he didn't come. We encountered someone else from our old school while we stood there talking. He's gay too, so he got drawn ino the whole LGB conversation (Leaving me able to remain completely silent on the subject. (I had to, i really did. If i'd admitted to going then he'd have asked what it was like and i'd have been forced to tell him. And most likely i'd end up telling the truth. Which would have been a very bad thing. He'd probably have come and spoiled it all. At least if i can have a couple of meetings without him around i can start to exist autonomously, to prove to the otehrs that i'm my own person, that he is just some random annoying person who's wandered in to spoil it all.)) Eventually, the two of them decided to go off and meet C, who also came from our school to Sheffield. I've seen him a bit before, and i'm in contact with him, so i didn't think it would be too rude of me not to go with them. I stayed behind, hoping that this would mean they were unable to accompany us on our outing. Even if they had decided to come along, they'd have had trouble finding the meeting place. The LGB lounge is secreted away in a less frequented part of the union. Still, as soon as i got there i was terribly afraid that at any point he would turn up. Especially when it was decided we'd wait fifteen minutes longer than we were meant to. I was, again, the first person there, (Ok, not strictly true. There was someone in the office attached, but only because they promise always to have someone there between twelve and two, at least for this week. So he can hardly count himself, can he. I was the first person there waiting specifically for the bowling.) so i got out what remained of an old pad and started writing in it rather frantically about how much i didn't want him to turn up. I've thought about talking to the people there, as they're so willing to give advice about P and the unsavoury things he's done to two of my best friends. I want them to understand why i'd be like i'd be if he did turn up. But it seems to me, really, that would be rather an unsavoury thing to do as well, trying to turn them against someone they don't even know. I just don't know how i'm supposed to avoid him. I think i will try speak to them about it. But not in person, as i'm useless at that. I'll send an e-mail. There's an adress on the flyer. Of course, that can't happen until i actually manage to get onto the internet. I'm going to have a crack at that tomorrow. So hopefully these last three entries will stop being part of an imaginary blog and finally take the place they deserve on the internet.