I sent E an e-mail on results day. Nothing much, just expressing hope that he'd done well. I wasn't really even that sure he'd ever read it. I had sort of thought he had blocked my e-mails, both from my main address and the second hotmail account i'd opened because i thought he'd blocked the first but i still had things to say. Obviously, though, he had let these e-mails through. I know this because he responded. He sent it that night, only eight seconds away from midnight, (To somebody who wrote a page long parenthesis on the subject of my positioning of people in my day dreams, of course eight seconds away from midnight is significant. I just don't know of what.) but i didn't come across it until a few minutes ago. As before, there was a brief shock, where i had no idea what to do, but i overcame myself and opened it.

Now, i knew that his previous five words to me were hardly representative of his literary ability. (Partly because (And i state most emphatically that this is NOT my fault - it is not a stalkerly contrivance in any way.) i was once asked by Mr E (Who, if we're remembering my code, we will deduce to be in no way related either to E or Ms E, but simply a ('The', in fact) male english teacher at our school.) to sort out some mock exam papers. I realised that this was E's year i was sorting and, inevitably, i came across E's exam. He'd done well. Fifty four out of fifty four. He could not have done better. I could never hope to achieve that, at least in exam conditions, so naturally i was both jealous and impressed.) I knew he was quite capable of more than one sentence in an e-mail. (A sentence with, to my mind, a beguilingly American turn of phrase. I really did spend a long time trying to work out any other possible connotations of the order "Stop bugging me." I would have sworn i'd never bugged anyone before in my life.) Still, i was quite surprised by the length of his response. (Still, i know my priorities, and kept an eye as i read on spelling, punctuation and grammar. I'm not sure whether i should be satisfied or annoyed that the only corrections i would have made result from my zealous application of commas. Oh and perhaps a minor objection to his use of 'hence', but nobody uses 'hence', 'whence' and 'thence' quite right any more. I suppose i should stop trying to correct them. (It's not that i use them in the wrong places, just that i use them whenever they may or may not be called for.)

I considered reproducing the whole thing here, but no, i won't do that. For one thing, i'd just be doing it as a cheap way of filling up my blog. More importantly, though, it's mine. The sentiment may be contrary to everything i've ever wanted to hear, but still, it is rather a good e-mail, and actually seems to have done what it was supposed to. I don't think i will ever write back. I nearly did. I nearly just sent back the reply thank you, but i realised that before i'd even finished typing those two words there would just be more and more queuing up to get out, and it would just be completely pointless. So no more e-mailing E. Hopefully.

It started with a revelation that, however foolish and obvious i may have thought myself to be in my pursuit of this whole affair, i had in fact been much clumsier. Apparently as soon as he read this e-mail from 'frivolous_haruspex' he googled the words and came immediately upon this blog. he makes the point that it's hardly the most common name. That, of course, is why i always liked it. Perhaps it was silly to use the same words for the blog, but really, i don't mind all too much. For one thing, i did eventually send the address anyway, and for another i could hardly hope for things to have turned out better than they now have. Plus, i do try not to agonise over things now past. Or, if i do, to prove to myself that things would turn out equally badly whatever had happened. It feels weird, though, to realise that even at the very beginning he was able to follow in detail (Well, as much detail as i cared to mention. Which, considering there hasn't been any particular part of this of which i've been truly ashamed, (Even though i perhaps should have been) is pretty rigorous.) my feelings for him, while i remained largely ignorant of his.

It's a surprisingly kind letter. I know that i would try to be understanding in such a circumstance, but i'm a pansy. And even i can't really know if i could remain calm in the face of my "sometimes worrying e-mails". How kindly would you be inclined to treat your stalker? But, from the way he talks, it does seem as if, right from the beginning, he tried to empathise with me. "I did not reply." he wrote, " because I assumed, that if your momentary crush was indeed real, it would pass with time." (Actually, that comma is wrong. I feel strangely comforted by this. He may be hugely better at writing than me, but at least i know that there should be no comma in "assumed that". And yes, i am aware of the complete hypocrisy here and that this very blog is riddled with mistakes. But i don't care.) Assuming this to be his sole reason in acting this way, it is a nice thought. However, i, from my privileged position of having been obsessed with him for two years, could have told him that that wouldn't work. Or, well, that if it did it would take years for me to be fully clear of him.

He gave me advice. Probably rather good advice, most of it. Advice of the sort that many people, myself included, have counselled me to take. I can see the sense of it, it's plainly obvious that i should follow it. I won't, though, not really. Some of it will, most likely, filter down to me, but really i'm far too much of a coward to not "treat the internet as an opportunity to act how you want to with the safety of anonymity, try to do it in real life". I've got better at this, yes, but really i know that i'll never be able to say the most important things face to face. I'll always have recourse to the internet, or to the notes and letters i write and reject so many of. And i'm sure that, for many people, university could be "a new opportunity to rid of your self doubt and self pity." But not, unfortunately, me. I may be riddled with self doubt and self pity, and i recognise that, yes, they do often hinder me. But actually, i rather like them. They are a big part of what i claim as 'myself'. Without them, for example, my brief moments where i am able to come out of my shell or act with confidence wouldn't be quite as thrilling.

However, after all this well thought out and constructive advice came a moment of sheer lunacy. "I suggest you stop your blogging too, again it's just clinging to the past. You are only saying in written form what you are thinking. What's the point?" I can't stop my blog. I will carry on blogging until i run out of things, however petty and irrelevant they may be to the rest of the world, to say. And generally, even if that happens, i've got more to say within a month or so. Perhaps my blog is something i'll one day grow out of, but it isn't something i can just give up on. Perhaps my thoughts are just not as organised as other people's, and this is why i need to blog, to help me sort them out. Since i have been blogging, though, even my thoughts have started taking this form. I now think in blog, and, actually, it helps. What would be the point of mentally composing blogs if i couldn't then type them up?

Besides, i do rather like to flatter myself that my blog isn't just for me any longer. Whilst, obviously, i won't claim that this is in any way helping anyone, i do sort of think that there are people who enjoy reading it. This may have nothing to do with the quality of the writing, but i, for one, do enjoy reading other people's lives. After a significant break in a blog i tend to get restless, and when people stop blogging altogether that's even worse.

Finally, of course, is the fact that i do actually use my blog to talk to people. Now here, i know, i'm blatantly going against E's advice, but i can't help it. I do find it easier to talk to people on the internet, and actually, this has led to my getting better offline as well. The first time i came out was in a letter, and there i didn't even have the courage to simply use the words "I'm gay." Since then there have been times, when, in real life, completely sober, i have uttered these words. I had a tendency, it's true, to then run away from whoever i'd just said it too, but this is still far, far better than nothing. So i will continue to blog, in the hope that this will one day make me better able to talk to people face to face, but also because i just enjoy it so very much.

I always said that what i wanted from him, all i really needed, was to be acknowledged. I only ever half believed it, really though. A lot of me thought that, no matter what i'd said, if he did ever reply to me that i'd immediately pounce on this as some sort of confirmation of my hopes and my frenzied emailing would start again. However, it does seem that i was right. I do now feel a hell of a lot better. And this, partly is due to not just the acceptance but the forgiveness implied by the last few sentences. I do still half want to write back, but i know i'd be stupid to, and i can at least hope that he'll check my blog one last time and i won't need to thank him. But that isn't necessary for me to drop this. I may, at times, have to assume he has, but right now i just don't mind.

"You can take my advice, or ignore it, I am only saying it for your sake. This episode does not bother me, I don't blame myself or you. Just recognise that your fantasy will never come true, and that you have to start living in the real world."