I went into Decathlon today. I felt so out of place, surrounded by all these sporting goods. I kept going round, laughing at it all, saying things like “Golf? As if!” (Erudite commentary) And for some reason the staff all wear these odd sporty tops, with netting and fancy waterproof fabrics, as if they might all go off on a potholing expedition at any second. I’ve no problem with sport, but it’s very incongruous with my own sense of who i am. I, of course, wasn’t in there for the football or the canoeing, but for the least sporty of activities they cater for. I needed some walking shoes.

As i was doing this, i was sort of thinking in blog. This has been happening quite a bit lately. My thoughts always run in imaginary conversations, or diary entries, and recently i’ve been thinking of my blog again. This is J’s fault. (Coming back on here, i’ve wondered about if i should maintain those initials. It seems a bit silly now, and mostly i won’t bother, but i wasn’t sure if J would mind me dropping them for real names. Mostly, though, i won’t be bothering. (If this becomes a habit again)) He mentioned a couple of weeks ago that he’d been looking through this again. I then read a few entries myself. They were, of course, completely unbearable, but apparently i’ve decided to come back.

I’ve seen quite a bit of J lately. Well, more than in the last four years. (Proportionally) We (LGBT committee) do this thing where we go talk to schoolkids in PSHE lessons, and i invited him along. He came, and all of a sudden was one of the gays!

That, of course, is an exaggeration. He hung around a bit, afterwards, but it wasn’t immediate. The following week was Climax, and he came, and fun was had. And now, a short time later, he’s been voted on committee.

I don’t really know how to feel about it all. I get confused about what the nature of a friendship with him should be. We were close, very close, i think. I did love him, however confused i may have been about the nature of that love. And in a way, even when our friendship lapsed, (For whatever reason. I don’t think trying to puzzle out why can really achieve much, (Not that i’d normally let that stop me)) i didn’t always feel i’d lost him. As i said, in my head, i think a ,lot of my thoughts in imaginary conversations, (Sort of. The coparticipant tends to be fairly silent, perhaps because i’m too selfish to put all that much effort into fully characterising anyone else.) and J’s always been one of the people i have those imaginary conversations with. So while in some ways it feels like revisiting things after very sparse contact, some part of me’s been talking to him all along, and i feel sometimes like i can just pick up with the familiarity we had and not have to worry about navigating this.

But i’m sure he’s changed. I’m certain i have. We can’t just settle back into things. For one, a lot of our friendship back then was based on MSN, and that just wouldn’t work now. Topmost in my concerns, though, is a worry that it may not be worth it. It’s nearly the end of this year now. Next year, if i were around, i’d likely see a lot of J, what with him being on committee. But i won’t be. Or at least i don’t want to be. The following year, when i hope to be back here, he’ll have gone. I get the impression he wants to stay around Birmingham, whereas i would never dream of moving back to Aldridge. I’ve known for a while how bad i am at keeping up a friendship over any kind of distance - (Fiona moved to Derby and i’ve seen her three times all year. Though, that said, when she lived five minutes away, we didn’t do brilliantly either) J was kind of the test case for this.

Last time we split up was horrid – a lot of the melodrama and teenageiness of it all being due to the fact that i was at the time a melodramatic teenager, but i don’t know that i’ve changed all that much – and it hardly seems worth being proper friends again for the next few weeks only to then part ways for ever..

Not that i should assume J even wants to be friends in anything like the way we were. But it does seem like a possibility. In the past, i’ve made attempts at rekindling things, (I feel a bit silly that i keep couching all this in terms perhaps more suited to a romance, but since i’ve never actually experienced more than a crush, i tend to value my friendships over that kind of thing anyway.) but they’ve felt unreciprocated. I could have been imagining things – i have a fairly bizarre internal etiquette, i think – but it felt like i was always the one trying to initiate things, and i shy away when i feel that i’m the only one who wants something. But lately it has felt a bit more like the old days. There was an awkwardness, i felt, before, partly due to my not knowing how to react to his liking God, and then liking girls. (I did worry there might be a connection, but i was right to think better of him than that.) That was my fault, though. I think i made assumptions when he told me he’d started fancying girls, and i did feel rather deserted when suddenly my best (And pretty much only) gay male friend suddenly wasn’t. And as for God, well, i have views on him. So i was maybe rather standoffish too. But now it seems that may be over, and we could almost be close again. Just in time to split up.

I’ve thought through these things fairly often recently. In writing it down, as ever, i’ve forgotten things, and jumbled others up. I just hope this is fairly coherent.

As for the shoes, i’ve found some that might do. They’re not attractive, (No even remotely like what i had in mind – a nice leather (Or at least convincingly faux) boot, to go with my tweed jacket.) but they’re cheap, and this is a major factor.