I've worked it out. I've worked it all out.

I'm falling in love with my dressing gown.

I do love my dressing gown. It's big, and fluffy, and aubergine and it keeps me warm. It started last night. Well, no it didn't. I've done stuff like this for years, but now i'm more resolute about it. It hangs on the back of my door, with the hook around the level of the top of my head, making it rather a tall lover, but i've noticed i do lean slightly towards tallness in the boys i like. I think because i associate it with being protected, which i want. I want someone bigger than me to hold me and make me feel safe.

So last night i went over to the door and just nuzzled my dressing gown for a while. I realised that by putting my arm through the arm i could imagine it was his hand on my shoulder, and i could stroke it. The kiss we shared was only brief, but fluffy. I took him down and he sat with me as i read. Naturally i'm not going to attempt sex with a dressing gown. I have all i want.

This isn't insanity. Contrariwise, i'm not trying to be funny, or seem interesting and beguiling. I know this isn't real, but it's an enjoyable fantasy, and that's enough. He's made up of everyone, people i know as well as people i don't, people i merely see and think pretty. And he's contradictory. This is the good thing. I can change him to suit my mood. Right now he seems to have quite a lot of Tom's red hair. He seems to have a lot of Maxie. Whatever my feelings for him meant, i love him, and there's so much about him i'd love to find in whoever i end up with (Unreal as it is, i still believe in this, in 'ending up' with someone, happy until we die, together, in the space of five minutes. And also, because i'm superficial, still young and pretty, even if we're a hundred years old. (Actually, that 'still' is less that appropriate in my case, but we'll let it slide.)

On Sunday i went to something in town, at the Forum, advertising itself as a fayre. It was good fun. I went with Anne-Marie, stuck with the label of 'my straight friend'. (As in the only one i've made since coming to Sheffield. (It's only fair. I'm known to her flatmates (It was a surprise to me in itself that i'm known to them) as 'Gay Alix'.) There were many good thing, but i particularly liked one of the bands that played, 'Almeida Girl & Descarga'. They were salsa-y and so good. The university's salsa group had come along too, and i was so jealous of them, actually being able to dance to this utterly gorgeous and exhilarating music the way it should be. Afterwards i meekly approached the lead singer (I've noticed a tendency to like bands with females in a lead role: Goldfrapp, Scissor Sisters, this lot, Texas, um... i had more when i formulated this theory.) and bought one of their CDs. I've listened to it pretty much non stop since i got it. There's one song in particular that's so beautiful, so perfectly what i don't have but want so badly. It's called Unconditional. It looks like you can download it from their site, but i obviously haven't looked into this, as i already have a copy. A couple of times i've just lain down on my floor and squirmed to it. It's the kind of song that's good for squirming. It pricks my eyes a bit.