I have to get this out before it fades from my memory completely. The point i need to start at is already three weeks ago. It was a Tuesday and, as usual, a lot of people went to Dempsey's, Sheffield's gay bar. I met a boy there and after a while it became quite obvious that he liked me. (Actually, i'm beginning to wonder, as later events fill themselves in, whether this was actually the week before. But i don't think so. I think i'm right. But it takes me by surprise how much seemed to have happened in the last week of term.) He danced with me quite a bit, and he kept grinning at me and putting his hands through my hair. At the time i rather liked the attention, particularly to my hair, which i am so terribly vain about. At the end there was a small group of us walking home. Me, UL, in company with his boyfriend, (Or soon-to-be boyfriend, at least.) a girl who, much as she's deserved it, hasn't been mentioned before, UC, and this new fellow.

A little about UC first. I can't remember how long ago it is now that i met her, but it's a while. P introduced her to me. We were going to a new gay night that had started up on a Thursday. (The only time i've been, though i would quite like to go again, if i had a group of people to go with.) He was meeting me with UC after a choir meeting, and we were going from there. I didn't really talk to her much at first - i never do with new people. We talked a bit there, in a group of four: me, her, UB, and another new girl, (New to you, that is.) UH. And from there, over the last few weeks, i've gently come to a point where i'm comfortable talking to her and have a lot of fun with her. There's nothing more to say really, except that she really is a very cool girl.

This can also be said of UH. (See my impressive segue skills?) We met her a couple of weeks earlier, UB and i, after one the Tuesday meetings. (So much of my life happens on a Tuesday now. I rather like it.) UB thought she recognised her, but that was it until i went to the toilet. When i came back the two of them were talking and i sort of inserted myself into the conversation. I really liked her, once i managed to start talking properly, and she's one of the main people i socialise with now. There was a time when i thought she and UB might actually end up together. (That would have made me very happy.) There was a time UB herself wanted that. I tried not to interfere, as i could never be anything but incredibly heavy-handed, but eventually UB had to say, in response to something gossipy i'd said, that they were just friends.

So now back to last Tuesday. The five of us were walking home. UL and his boy lagged behind a bit, leaving Gareth (I can't be bothered with this anymore. His name's Gareth. I'll fill in the others as the become relevant. The two girls i've just introduced you to are Alice (UC) and Sarah (UH).) to talk to me and Alice. He revealed to me that he'd actually known my face before i met him. We share a lecturer, with whom he's good friends, and apparently he'd got her to show him the pictures of her new classes, which included me. His comment on my photo was that i looked 'cheeky'. I was greatly offended, and told him that he was not remotely right. He told me this story in more depth, and was possibly flirting with me quite heavily, but i didn't notice. Before he had to leave us he'd got my phone number out of me and invited me to a Christmas party in our shared department. I forgot to go, but i saw him that Friday, at Climax.

That Wednesday was also a lot of fun. There was a party in our flats, which i was rather pleased about, as i intended to get drunk four nights in a row before the social trough that would be my Christmas holiday. Tuesday had happened, Friday was pretty much taken care of, and now that only left Thursday. I was over on the computers earlier that day and i saw Matthew, (For the longest time he's been P, but now he finally gets a name.) so i invited him, and he came. Later on that night, i also decided to invite Anne-Marie, (I don't think she'd been given a code name yet.) my half French friend who i know from my French speaking lessons. She was already quite drunk, so i ran over to her flats (They aren't far away. I wasn't being incredibly gentlemanly or anything.) to retrieve her. She knows a few people from my building (Probably about as many as me, in reality.) as well as Matthew, so she was able to fit in. It was a good party. I spent a lot of it wearing someone else's fairy wings, wearing their tiara and twirling their wand. I felt it my duty, as the truest fairy in the building. And it was also a lot of fun. Matthew had to leave after a while, and not much later the party was brought to a halt. One of the girls in that flat, who bears many self inflicted scars on her arm, had done something. I don't know what, but it seemed to require that she be taken to hospital, so festivity didn't really seem so appropriate after that. To most people, anyway. I, though, am insensitive, and moreover i was drunk, so i joined Anne-Marie in returning to her flats, where there were a couple more parties going on. The first one was quite good. We were joining it pretty late, so i think it was winding down, but we had fun. They played, at one point, some sort of Grease medley and Anne-Marie, ladling on the fag-haggery now, suggested that i sing the part of Danny and she Sandy. That's about all i remember of that party. (we weren't there that long.) That, and dancing with a man. I liked him. He was good looking, and he danced with me. I knew we were both just being silly though, as he was straight. I was drunk enough to be kind of sluttly by this point. I'm pretty sure i put my hand on his crotch. I don't know how long for, but i more than brushed it, i think. Fortunately, i don't remember how he looked well enough (I couldn't see that well, either. There weren't any lights on in the room, just the kitchen.) to be embarrassed if i ever saw him again. Not much later we left this flat and moved on to our third party of the evening, further along in the same building. This one was over. We arrived in the cleaning up stages and must really have annoyed the girl we met, the only person left there. We left, eventually, and i think i then returned with Anne-Marie to her flat for a while, before setting off to mess around on the computers, tripping over an unexpected step in the dark on the way and hurting myself quite badly.

The next day, Thursday, i was in the university carol concert, and i'd got Beth to come and see me. Fiona (UA. The other girl i love to rave about.) had been going to come too, but she had too much work to make it. After the concert i spoke briefly to Beth, but she had to go. I ran into her again a little while later though, with her friend Chris, who she knows from back home. They invited me out with them to the pub that evening, where Chris would be meeting Heather (Beth's girlfriend. Dear lord, this is so much easier with names. E, by the way, the boy i was obsessed with right from the beginning. And J is really called Maxie. Well, that at least is what i call him in real life. He's Max.) for the first time. I was delighted with the invitation, as this would complete my four day... i worry that the word i need may actually be 'binge'. I met up with them later, and was a complete idiot. The whole time, as soon as Beth arrived with Heather, i was grinning like a complete loon. I couldn't look either of them in the face. I was just so happy, watching them. I loved the way, over the course of the evening, their hands went from subtly touching to loving stroking, as they gave up trying to be discreet.

And it gets better. I mentioned at one point my housing woes, whining, as i am wont to, about how everyone else knows who they're going to live with and where, when Beth asked me if i'd like to live with her and Chris next year. I didn't appear too enthusiastic at first, because i wasn't sure Chris liked me all that much. We hadn't really talked much before that night. But he seemed to like the idea too, and pretty soon i excused myself, to go to the toilet. When i got there i just grinned at myself in the mirror. I grinned and grinned and grinned. I jumped up and down and mouthed a scream at my reflection. I was simply ecstatic to have asked.

After we left the pub we stopped off at a fish and chip shop. There was quite a queue, and after a while Beth and Heather went outside. When we came out again they were kissing. It was, as well as slightly uncomfortable, brilliant. I rocked on the soles of my feet and grinned. Beth must have hated me for how much i grinned that night.

Finally it was Friday. I'd been looking forward to today for a while. It was the reason i'd stayed in Sheffield after my last lesson, the Tuesday of that week. Tonight was the night of Climax. And not just any Climax, but the Glitter Ball, open an hour longer in honour of Christmas and decorated appropriately. But that was later. In the daytime, Beth, Fiona and i met up at the union. This was the first time we'd all seen in each other in a while, and the last time in even longer. I miss them.

This evening, then, was Climax. But still not quite yet. (I though i was building up tension, (Not deliberately. I'd forgotten this much had happened in the last week of term. I was expecting Tuesday to be a brief prologue, following which i'd launch straight into Climax.) but i realise i'm not at all. I'm sure i've given any hint that anything important happened at Climax yet.) I met Beth beforehand and we went to the union cinema, to see The Nightmare Before Christmas. Fiona was already on her way home by this point, so she obviously couldn't come with us. After the cinema, we went to the Climax pre-bar, (I put in far too much detail, don't i? Well, don't expect it to stop.) where we talked to some people, but mostly kept each other's company. When we were joined by Sarah we went through to join the queue for Climax. The first times we'd been to Climax we waited a while before going in, but last time we'd accidentally gone though early, and ended up waiting around a little while, but when we actually went in we got to be almost the very first there. We wanted to be among the first this time as well, so we went through as soon as Sarah came.

I can't really give a blow by blow of that night. My memory's fuzzy, and i don't want (Not that i imagine any desire on the part of the few friends that read this.) to, either. I'll just talk about Lupie and Gareth.

Part of the theme for Climax was ultraviolet light, so they asked people to wear white. I'd tried, but most of my white things didn't really work. There was this one girl that caught my eye though. Her group of friends was next to ours, and she had green make-up on that was glowing. I was amazed by this, and pointed her out to everyone. Nobody realised what i was getting at though, so eventually i apologetically grabbed her to display her wondrous war paint. After this her group and ours began vaguely to merge, and she turned out to just as cool as the vibrant hue of her face promised. At one point she was dancing with me in a way that i, naive and inexperienced as i am, thought intimate, so i broke off briefly to tell her i'm gay. Rather stupid of me, really, as nobody assumes people going to a gay night like this to be straight, surely. She replied that so was she, and all was well until i noticed the green lipstick mark on my shoulder. Naturally this led to mutual abandonment and screeches of "I'm gay! I'm gay!" I still haven't managed to remove the stain.

When she was dancing with Beth, however, her motives were not so innocent. She asked me if Beth was a lesbian, and her face fell. (Possibly. I may have exaggerated in my drunkenness.) Still, i was pleased to see that by the end of the evening she'd captured another girl in her feather boa. Not so pleased that i let this overrule my desire to get her number and force her to be my friend, though. I walked over, and, after waiting a while, tapped her on the shoulder. This was rude of me. I know this, and i'm sorry. But i'm still pleased i did, because i've been in contact with her since and she seems perfectly willing to be my friend. It still amazes me how many brilliant people there are, and how many i manage to trick into liking me. Even if they are almost entirely female as yet. (The people liking me, not the brilliant people. To the best of my knowledge.)

Also that night there was Gareth. This is one the one bad thing in my joyous last week of term. Gareth, i think, is a friend of Beth's girlfriend, Heather, and he'd told her that he liked me. Her attempts to get the two of us together weren't entirely subtle or, unfortunately, entirely welcome. I was drunk at the time, and complete unable to articulate how i felt, but i really didn't enjoy these times. A couple of times she whirled me over to him after i'd made efforts to distance myself from him in our circle, (I didn't dislike him, but i wasn't attracted to him either.) and when i'd ended up dancing with him despite my efforts, nobody seemed to notice the discomfort i thought my face was expressing quite clearly. My attempt at dissuading him, telling him that i was useless at everything was transparent and he asked "Are you saying you don't like me?" I, unable to be honest for fear of upsetting him, denied this. Things might have been easier if i hadn't. I was upset and actually quite scared, less by him and more by the fact that nobody seemed to realise how little i was enjoying this. When i looked at anyone they just grinned at me and made signs of approval. I ran away.

I realise that wasn't a sensible way to deal with things, but i wasn't feeling sensible at that point. I ran away to the toilets and hid in one of the stalls, sobbing with tears that wouldn't come. Eventually i came out again, and Sarah soon found me. I was better able to explain myself now, and she was really helpful. At the time i was confused about my feelings. I wasn't sure whether i liked him. I was mostly swayed by the fact that he liked me. I wondered if i was being silly, if i was just setting my standards ridiculously high, waiting for some beautiful boy who would never materialise. I wondered if maybe i should just try things with him.

I'm glad i didn't. So glad. Again, i have nothing against him, but i think i should at least wait until someone i like at least a little comes along. I'm probably being quite harsh again, but at least there's not much chance of this guy chancing upon my blog. And besides, i don't want just to become attracted to someone then get to know them afterwards. I want to be friends with this boy, this hypothetical man with whom i will of course spend the rest of my life, before i even so much as look at him salaciously. (I'd just like to reiterate this by pointing out that the closest i ever came to truly being in love with someone was with Maxie, who i knew beforehand, and that this, although just as fruitless as the others, was healthier and much less painful.) Besides, i already know him. I've seen him. Just his hand, but i'm pretty certain that hand's attached to a body, a head, and, most importantly, a personality. In my head i have this image of my arm raised, my fingers spread and, lightly touching them, another hand, another five fingers. That's all i know about the love of my life and right now it's all i want to. I'm still, as i'm sure i've said before, getting used to having friends, and enjoying having them too much to concentrate on love. And no, don't worry, this person was never Oli. (UL. My last infatuation.) I was clearly never going to have a healthy relationship with him.