I've left this thing far too long again. I think i'm going to have to work through things thematically instead of chronologically. (My memory is not really up to delving back four whole weeks.) And i need to work as much of it as i can into one coherent entry.

Firstly, i need to talk about UD, as my relationship with him is currently the one most likely to make me burst into tears.

So. I've got up to our second meeting, where things were mostly resolved. We agreed to be friends. This, it seems now, hasn't worked. About a week, i think (Possibly two) after this discussion i went home for the weekend. (I'd hoped i might get to see J again, but no such luck.) Much of my time there was spent on the internet, talking on MSN to all those people i hadn't heard from in ages, lacking internet access in my room. One of the people i spoke to was UD, who'd added me a while ago. The conversation didn't go all that brilliantly. I was... i was rather similar to how i often am in conversation with P. I was frequently snide, and corrected a lot of what really didn't need much correction and generally a piggywig. I've told myself that this was deliberate. To the best of my knowledge, he still had some affection for me. I told myself i was doing him a favour. Not that i'm saying that i acted this part of a bastard. Just that i was selective about which parts of myself i let show. He'd already met my main façade - the naïve, bookish, fluff haired bumbler. Now i let him see the other aspects of myself, the ones that i don't like. (Much as i may complain about my ignorance of the world and other parts of myself, i've grown attached to them.) And he didn't like them either.

He asked why i was being mean. I explained that this is what i'm like online, or in situations where i feel more comfortable talking. This is true, or it has truth to it. But generally even when i'm looser about my personality i try to keep a rain on bits of myself. I will always, inevitably, let slip various insults (I recently said to UA "Everyone hates you" in a jokey-ish manner. I didn't expect her to be offended, as it is so blatantly untrue. (Everybody loves UA. Somehow she seems to know everyone, everyone at least from the LGB, and she is able to talk to them all. I get really quite jealous of her, how popular she is after only six weeks, but i remind myself of how priveleged i am to be her friend. To be, perhaps, (I'm afraid to say this, as afraid as i was to hazard that i was J's best friend, for fear of being immediately contradicted.) among her closest friends her at Sheffield.) She was however, rather upset by this (Justifiably, i know. I may not have meant it even in the slightest, but i still shouldn't have said it. But sometimes it's so hard to keep myself from being an utter bastard. I think to an extent (This is abominable, i know.) i use P as an outlet for this.) and say things i shouldn't. I used even to get randomly violent, but i seem to have curbed that at least.

But i did too well in showing him my bad parts. It seems of late that he sees me as irredeemably awful. And there doesn't seem much i can do to dissuade him. Especially as i'm so afraid that he's right.

He's got a boyfriend now. I may have spoken to him, i'm not sure, but only when i was drunk. But from the little i know he seems perfectly lovely. I consoled myself with this, trying to appease my guilt somewhat by pointing out to myself that he must be happier with him than anybody could with me. But, says UD, i'm not allowed even this respite: "That's not entirely the point. But I accept your apology."

There was a party on Saturday, for Hallowe'en, held by a couple of people from the LGB committee. (Who deserve letters, when i can be bothered.) I went. UD went, with his boyfriend and various other people of his acquaintance. (I spoke to one of them. I'd had enough alcohol to be positively loquacious. I wish i hadn't now, as in my sobriety i seem able only to recognise boredom and disdain in an expression indecipherable, at the time, to someone at the height of his selfishness.) P went too.

My memories of Saturday night are hazy. Mainly i remember coming down the stairs, at one point, to see UD coming up, looking for P. I said something (I've forgotten what, as has he, but he postulated "you perhaps asked me if I was looking for you." I don't see at all why i would said that out of the blue, but mortifyingly, he's much more likely to be right about it than me.) which obviously annoyed him and he responded that there were people other than me. I don't know why that hurt so. I've said so many times that i'm selfish and i know it's true. It's silly of me to expect to be the only one who recognises this. But it did hurt, and the next day i sent him an e-mail. I don't think it was taken entirely in the spirit it was sent. I'd meant it apologetically, trying both to work out what i'd done as well as to apologise for it. But apparently i came across as quite patronising. He said, in his reply, "Great. Now that I have your acceptance as being a "great chap", I can finally feel good about myself... (!)" (I had just made the point that i'd made too good a job of showing off my bad side and that i wished i hadn't. I suppose that possibly he was insulted by my phraseology. But 'chap' is just a word i like to use, and doesn't quite the implications for me as it has for other people. Of course, it could be that actually i was incredibly patronising. (Oh, and the bracketed exclamation mark is a symbol i'd only seen used when watching programs with subtites before, but it means that the speaker is being sarcastic.) I think i have a better idea of how P felt, back when everything he said to me seemed so incredibly patronising. I really am a horrible, horrible person.)

He ended with a response to my final apology "Sorry again about the cd. And about everything. About being me. (But i'll never change)" (He'd lent me a CD at our last meeting. I'd only returned it on Saturday.) He said "Indeed. For someone that hates himself so much, you're very stuck in your ways. That's complexity for you." So that's another person convinced of my deep self-hatred. While not himself seeming to have a very high opinion of me either (Is it me, or is that quite hypocritical?). And i, once again, am forced to point out (To myself as much as anyone.) that i have not got low self-esteem. I have far too high an opinion of myself. But i also happen to be capable of rational thought, and i know that i am riddeld with flaws. And i have very little self-confidence. That i'll admit to.

Whcih brings us to the end of my section on UD and gives me a choice of two topics, much more cheerful. (Unfortunately, i've depressed myself now, and i may not convey my enthusiasm adequatly.) I now must decide between talking about UA and talking about the object of my newest crush.

Actually, i'll talk briefly of UE first. Already my affection for him has waned. This is at least partly due, i'm sure that in about the past three weeks i've only seen him once, for about five minutes. Perhaps if i start once again to see more of him i will fall again. But i hope not.

And so then, i come to the boy who currently holds the highest place in my affections. I will call him UL, despite my vague suspicion that there may already be a UL. I first saw him some weeks ago, at the second LGB meeting P had come to. The first time he had brought two girls, twins, from his floor, and he now brought both them and another person, who had been described to me previously. What P had left out of his description was that UL was terribly pretty. (I'm almost tempted to capitalise that. Everytime i have to describe him, i say he is "terribly pretty". Always with those two words. I'm not sure why. There's more to that 'terribly' than just emphasis, i know that. He's so heart-stoppingly pretty (You know, even if i wanted to say 'beautiful' i'm not sure i could. The word seems bound to E, even though i am loong over him.) that sometimes i actually fear him.) And UL is indeed terribly pretty. My gaze, the whole evening (The meeting was about gay rights) was stuck on him. Afterward, P introduced us. All i managed was a hello, but P had us shake hands. I, quite rudely i'm sure, turned quickly back to the person i'd been speaking to before. That was essentially the extent of my acquaintance with him for the moment. (Ignore my attempts to instill tension, our relationship isn't much stronger now.)

Last Tuesday was the LGB Hallowe'en party. I went along, my lone concession to the fact that it was costume party a furry hat, my favourite and oldest hat. Still, i was dressed more for the occasion than most. In fact, UA was the only person wearing anything in the way of a costume. She was rather impressively dressed as a vampire (Save the pointy teeth) and felt forced to spend the entire evening hiding in the corner.

I won one of the three party games we played, and won the best prize of the evening, a hallowe'en surprise bag, filled with all sorts of treats. It made me slightly more able to talk to people, too, as often when people asked after its contents even i could manage to answer that one. Actually, by rights, the prize should have gone to UA, as it had been intended as a prize for the best costume, but she didn't seem to mind my having it all that much. (I did offer it to her at least once.)

Afterward, we moved on to the pub, the same as each week. (Although there had been some debate over this, thanks to the homophobic behaviour the week before of the bar staff.) I believe, towards the end of or time there, i may have been part of the same conversation as UL, but that was it. And so we went to Dempsey's. Dempsey's is Sheffield's gay bar. I rather like it, generally, although often the people in there can seem rather scary and predatory. Fortunately, we're almost always there in quite large groups.

P was very drunk. He danced salaciously with just about everyone he could, and did worse, too. I, of course, was spared his attentions, as he did once declare that i was too fat for him to find attractive. And still i had liitle contact with UL. He danced quite a lot with someone of whom i am really rather jealous, as i've frequently noticed them together. P said that this fellow had once stayed the night in UL's bed, but not, he believed, in a sexual context.

Gradually people left, until only a few of us were left to represent the LGB, all dancing together in one group. I like how UL dances. I hate the way i do.

The music stopped. The night was at an end and we all poured out. Six of us resolved to walk back. One of those six was him. I complained about the way we were going back. My complaints that walking into the city centre and out again was not the most sensible method of getting home were largely ignored. I felt vindicated though, when UL himself later noted that in fact there was a much quicker way we could have taken. I didn't put as much effort as i should have into not being smug.

Two of the girls with us peeled off after a while and we were only four. Matters arranged themselves so that i was walking on the outside of our group, four abreast. Next to me was UL. We talked quite a bit, i think. UL comes from Birmingham and in fact knew someone who went to my old school, (Who was in my english class.) so there were a few things we were able to talk about. We talked most of the way home. I'd sobered up slightly, but was still drunk enough to carry on a conversation. Eventually i turned off onto the road to my slums and they carried on along the road which carried them home. I went home and changed the night in my imaginings. I'd invited them round to watch a film. Amélie, as it's the only one i have. We sat on my bed, me in the corner, UL next to me. Our hands found each other, somehow, in the course of the film. That was as much as i allowed myself before i slept.

After that i didn't see him much really. Only once before the next big thing. Here, in the computer room, he was a little way from me. He must have seen me. I wanted desperately to look up at him, smile, wave, something of that sort. But whenever i did he was looking away and i couldn't bring myself to call out to him. So i ended up averting my gaze almost as soon as it rested on him each time. He could have been doing the same and i wouldn't have known, but frankly i doubt that.

And then he too was at the Hallowe'en party. He and P live in rooms almost opposite each other, so i wasn't all that surprised. I'd been hoping he'd come. When he arrived all i'd had to drink was a plastic cup of mulled wine, (Not really to my taste, i quickly discovered.) so i wasn't much good for conversation. But still, he spoke to me, asking what i was meant to be. (Not in the derisory tone i've somehow implied.) I replied that i didn't know. (Only true to an extent. In my head i'd decided i was a black sheep (My costume was a black, eared hat, once rather furry and lupine, now sadly fluffy and bovine. I was also wearing a spiked dog colllar a friend of UA's had been kind enough to lend me. I'd borrowed it occasionally from UA at the LGB Hallowe'en and had been told that if i could borrow it again, that and the hat would suffice as a costume. That, of course, was before the hats sad accident in the tumble dryer, but i couldn't manage anything better.) but that seemed far too silly to actually say aloud, so i always just said that i didn't know.)

Later, i was much drunker. Much drunker. When drunk i am inclined to exaggerated motions of stumbling and staggering, which weren't perhaps appropriate for this small, packed room, where i stood (Mostly) right by a carved pumpkin with a few tealights inside. UL and a girl i'd met only that evening forced me to sit down. And we talked, although i doubt i said much that was very likely to impress him.

He manages to be that talkative, camp kind of person i've been jealous of for years, but known i could never join the ranks of. I really like his voice, actually. There's a brumminess to it, but this is... not cancelled out, but his is about the only brummy accent i can tolerate, because of the campness in it.

When the party ended, we were among the last to leave. P stayed. He'd already once been caught sharing somebody's bed (This was where he'd been when he went missing. (Apparently, though, he'd had to break off half way through to go to the toilet and vomit.)) and now it seemed he was staying the night in it. Which left three (Three! Darn third wheel! Vainly, i recently let myself believe that mr thrid whell there might be attracted to me, but i've since decided he must have more sense than that and that i've never been any good at judging these things anyway, so i'll assume he isn't unless something happens to persuade me (Although at the time i was pretty persuaded by his arm round my waist. Hopefully he was just trying to steady me or something.)) of us to take a taxi back to our part of Sheffield. (We were too far away to walk, we were told, though i'm slightly dubious of that.) The taxi driver (And this makes me grin at the very least.) struck up a conversation extolling the virtues of Sheffield girls. We are all three, let me remind you, gay. Yet UL, who was sitting in the front seat (He'd gone to sit next to me in the back (Make of that what you will. But i'm sure you can guess how i've construed it) but had been called to the front by the driver. Imagine. Had he sat where he'd originally intended i'd have spent ten minutes pressed against him, perhaps even being jostled together as the taxi drove along.) managed to keep up the conversation with him, without him becoming any the wiser to our sexuality.

At the other end we parted, and that was about it. I passed him today, on the way from one of my classes and he presumably on the way to one of his, but either he didn't see me or simply ignored me. Or it wasn't him. I'm not certain that i was wearing my glasses.

Which brings me to the end of the section on UL. I may have to postpone UA, (Although i'm so desparate for you all to like her.) as this entry is currently over three thousand words and i don't feel much past halfway, as there are at least three more people to come. (I was thinking how to continue as i wrote the last three thousand words. I have a vague plan for how this should go) I fear i'd be doing each one of them a tremendous disservice in attemping to introduce them now, as i'm getting quite tired. I may have started this at three o'clock, but i've twice interrupted myself, once while the computers actually died, this whole roomful of them. I had intended to get all this done before tomorrow evening, when i'm going to Manchester, (This will obviously need to be reported, as i fully expect to have tremendous fun, but i don't want to give up this topic yet.) but this is obviously not going to happen. So i'll publish now and save further ravings for another day. (Wednesday, with luck.)