Last night i was feeling pretty glum, so i went to an all night supermarket with the express intention of getting food to binge on. I got two big slabs of chocolate, a small bar and nine packets of crisps. I made myself feel slightly better about the chocolate by buying fair trade chocolate. I went home, with something to scoff in my hand the whole way and went to my room. At first i ate so much that i felt like i was going to throw up, and i did actually try and make myself. Apparently though, not much happens when i stick two fingers down my throat. For one thing, my fingernails are prohibitively long. I tried for a while, and i got that feeling you get just before throwing up, but i didn't actually manage to throw up. On reflection, this is probably a good thing, as i can only imagine that managing it once would only make it easier the next time, and that way lies bulimia.

I felt the need to binge for a few reasons. I was feeling pretty lonely on Wednesday. I hadn't seen any of my good friends at any length since Thursday. A few months ago, in my old life, i'd have gone weeks at a time alone without getting very upset, but i've become much more dependent on people in the last couple of weeks, i think. And also, of course, back then i'd still have had my family. Particularly my little sister, R, who i have such fun with. She just turned thirteen a few days ago. I know i'm probably not meant to have favourites among my family, but really, i do, and it's her. We can be all affectionate in random ways and things. And she sits on my lap. And sometimes i lie across hers.

Another reason for my glumness was that i'm still not entirely sure what to make of thing with UL. I'm still not entirely sure whether to be happy or sad about things. I'd like to talk to him about it, but i doubt i'll see him before next Tuesday, among lots of people, so i won't really be able to talk then. And even if i actually did manage to find somewhere quiet and private to talk to him, i'd probably be useless. But i'm slightly encouraged by the fact that on Wednesday, by which time i know he knew, he was still nice to me, and friendly. And even after i'd been told, i still managed to talk and joke slightly. Even if it wasn't directly to him, he still picked up on it and responded. I suppose what will probably happen, unless he feels some need to talk to me about things, is that we'll both ignore this revelation but, hopefully, be friends all the same.

At one point, before Wednesday's news, when i still thought he might perhaps like me, i was terribly worried about things a couple of people had said. Of course, they're completely irrelevant now, but i'd still like to talk about them. The first was UA. She'd caught a look that UL had seemed to throw our group at one point, and hadn't been all too impressed by it. She told me about it later, at one of the many times i attempted to indulge my obsession, and although i'm too pig-headed actually to take anybody's advice if it goes against my own feeling, i still felt bad for the next few days, until she changed her mind.

The next blow didn't fall much later, and came from someone who'd been slightly acquainted with him back in Birmingham. He told me that UL had acquired back there a reputation for being 'a bit of a bastard'. I hadn't really seen much to confirm this point of view, but again, this could have been because i didn't want to. However, a few days later, i asked D about this, and he, good old D, gave me the impression that there was no truth to these rumours. And then, later that week, none of it really mattered anyway. Apart from it does, because i still want to be his friend. His friend who maybe occasionally wishes he were more than that, but not often, as all he really wants from life is friendships, as they seem to work so much better.

This morning i was walking along, listening to Ojos de Brujo on my CD player (I think i may actually have found in UA someone who will actually appreciate how good they are.) when i decided i'd had a revelation about how my feelings work. I had been trying to work them out a bit, since the confusion over whether or not i was upset about UL. Sometimes it had seemed that i was only feeling upset because i felt as if i ought to, and sometimes as if i was happy for the same reason. But then this morning i decided that my feeling have predictive aspect to them. The introduction to one of the sadder (though still beautiful) songs on the album came on, and as soon as i'd decided i intended to listen to it and not to skip it because it was too depressing, i started to feel sadder, before any of the particularly saddening music had started. I came to the conclusion that this meant that i was feeling depressed merely because it was inevitable that i would be depressed. And i decided that much the same principle should probably be applied to my feelings regarding larger matters. Of course, it all made a lot more sense this morning, in the privacy of my skull, but i still needed to air the idea.