Everybody's pairing off for Christmas. Or it feels like that, at least. It might not be strictly true, but that's how it feels all the same. This didn't always make me feel quite so pathetic and morose. When i found out that UB had a might-be girlfriend i was ecstatic. I was so happy for her. I was grinning all over. I love her so utterly; to hear something traditionally among the highest ranks of good things happy was brilliant. But now it's all going slightly sour. I'm still happy for her, but at the same time, i'm jealous. I saw her last night, at the LGB meeting, and for the first half we talked for ages and had brilliant fun and then her might-be girlfriend turned up. They spent most of the rest of the night talking to each other. I was happy about this, mostly, but occasionally i wanted UB to myself again, and i couldn't. Although i am selfish, i do generally try not to act on my selfishness.

UA has managed to actually have a love life too, although not exactly a straightforward one. There's one girl who's sort of her girlfriend but not till next year (I think) then there's the girl who lives next door who she often kisses and loves, slightly. But in my current state of mind i'm still going to say that she's doing better in love than me.

Last night it was reported that P left in the company of someone else. As this fellow does live in the same building it could have been simply that they were just sharing a taxi back. But i'm not sure, as a lot of us who live in pretty much the same place as them (Including UL, who lives right next door.) merely walked back. But last Friday it was much more interesting. He seemed, at one point, about to embark on a bizarre three way relationship. There are these two guys who've been going out quite some time, i think. One of them's on the LGB committee, and they all flirt rather awfully with each other. And there is much kissing between them. On Friday he lolled across one of their laps, kissing the other. The three of them generally induce rather awful giggles in me. Oh, and i should point out that he has paraded naked in front of them, too. Sometimes i wish i still hated him, just so i could make the most of things like this.

And there's UD, as well. Not that i regret my reaction back then any more. I still wish the whole thing hadn't happened. There are moments when i remember it fondly, but that's not because of who he is or was, i think. I think maybe i used him. I think probably i don't care. I’ve given up trying to like him. I read his livejournal, and i wonder if he's said things in there about me that are hidden, that i can't see. They can do that with livejournals. I only ever saw a couple of entries about me. One long one, the day immediately after, and one a little while later, saying "Courting neurotic boys is hard." And then more recently, when my name was mentioned, it was accompanied by a hiss. I was a tad offended by that, and i'd never really seen anything else in there that showed this opinion. I wonder what other things he's been saying without my knowing. Anyway, he has his boyfriend too, and they seem pretty close. That all happened pretty soon after my rejection of him, which made me feel a lot better about the whole thing, as he obviously wasn't all that distressed.

And then there's the new pairing, the one that's really responsible for making me sad. UL has someone. I don't know how permanent it is. Naturally i'd still quite like to believe it isn't really at all, but i suspect that's not the case at all. I'd noticed slightly something between them last week, but then this Tuesday it really blossomed (The bitter blossom of pain, adds my melodramatic side.) and they stayed the night together. In the same room. And presumably the same bed. Possibly even the same embrace. I know UL had made it clear that he felt nothing for me, and i shouldn't still be upset, that i knew this sort of thing would happen. He's far too pretty not to end up with someone. And far too lovely. It's really a surprise he lasted this long single.

It worries me that i may end up hating this other chap. i don't want to, i liked him when i spoke to him that night, before i'd worked stuff out. He, i think, is Beth's might-be girlfriend's best friend, and he was just as excited as me, but coming at it from the other side. Although, while i tend to think of their relationship as pure and consisting mainly of hand-holding, he seemed slightly less convinced. But who knows, maybe this time some sensible part of me will take over and we'll all end up a huge happy group of friends. After all, i did manage to talk to UL in quite a friendly way last night. We talked a little, quite comfortably. Although i didn't like the result of the conversation. It seems that he, along with pretty much everyone else who comes to the LGB meetings, thinks that i am a complete alcoholic and a drunkard. Unless, as i hope, they're all just mocking me because i'm funny when i'm riled.

I had more to say. When this post was coming together in my head this morning, i had a good last paragraph planned, about how silly i am when i'm in one of my moods for being pathetic. But i've lost it again now. There is one more thing i want to talk about.

Another of the new committee members, who i'll call UI, because i have noticed certain I-like tendencies in him. Except that was a lie. I decided to call him UI, but then realised that there were things about him that remind me of I. UI joined the LGB committee at the same time as i did. We fill really quite different rôles. I am, as anyone who knows me could have pretty well predicted, the quiet one. I've spoken about fifty words so far in over a month's worth of meetings. He is much less bashful about things. He's also power mad. He is an utter megalomaniac. I've developed a habit of, when his back's turned, mouthing "Power mad! Maaaad for power!" This is always executed with a melodramatic gesture on the second mad. I feel cruel for doing it, but it really is true. He has in the past made perfectly willing comparisons between himself and Stalin. And his social skills really do rival I's He has something of his bizarre way of talking and stressing words.