So, hi. I'm Alix. I'm starting this thing as another attempt to reproduce my internal dialogue. I keep a diary too, but every so often that tails off. Maybe I'll be more faithful with a blog. Also, this thing has the possibility of giving me a fame, of sorts, which would be nice (cue hackneyed Wilde quote).

So, my life. Since being in year eleven, I've been obsessed with a boy in the year below. I'm in year thirteen now, and beginning to wonder if all that time i was referring to it as love I was completely wrong. I hope not, really, but I don't see how I'd know, being, as I said, seventeen, not an age we usually associate (at least, chez les hommes) with finding the love of your life. Especially not in this day and age.

But (I doubt many people pick up on this, but i just started a sentence with a preposition, one of the big grammar no-nos. Personally, i don't see how we're meant to get on without) the biggest problem is that I have just recently come out and, along with this, told people about my love for E (corny it may be, but i love him enough not to go blurting it out on the internet). And (another one, you see) now two of my best friends have become involved. One of them's currently on a french exchange with him, and before he went I asked him to get E's e-mail (I've recently discovered MSN. I love it! it renders me capable of actually talking to people!). He's got it, and now he's promising to engineer an online rendez-vous. Hopefully, even though i know E will (Funny, i had to avoid saying E'll. It just looks and sounds silly, doesn't it?) never love me, I might be able to befriend him (but would you befriend your stalker?). I want at least to tell him about my feelings, even if I'm no longer sure what they are.

Perhaps a little about the rest of my life is in order as well. I have a little sister, eleven, who I absolutely adore, but I'm still scared to tell her I'm gay. My mother knows, having read it in my diary, and i think my dad does too. I came out properly only about two months ago, to my friends at school, but unfortunately most people aren't actually interested enough in me to gossip. My best friend, J, is in year ten, and I love him so much. I was the first person he came out to and he's the person I talk to most comfortably about pretty much anything. He's only come out to other gay people, mostly (There's a group of us who've started to congregate, mostly outside the school library (It's odd, this sort of 'self-ghettoisation'. It's great, hanging out with people more similar to you, but I can't help wondering what other people think. I mean, people often complain about a lack of acceptance, but I for one feel much more comfortable around my gay friends (I'm sure I'd better fit the gay stereotype of having lots of female friends if I didn't go to a boys' school)), but it's a lot better than I'd done at his age. And now he's on holiday in Spain and I can't speak to him. I miss him. Still, at least he'll have lots of lovely e-mails to read when he gets back (by which time I'll be in France, dammit).

So that's my life (or the bits i consider interesting enough for public display).

Alix